it's who i am, no sir, no ma'am, i'd rather be defiant

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okay let's talk about gender :) i honestly have no freaking clue wtf i am. is it a boy? is it a girl? is it nonbinary? witness questiony the question mark like you've never seen him before in "wtf even is gender anymore dude?"!

seriously tho, i do like using they/them and i do like the idea of being able to dress feminine or masculine without having a label slapped on me. but i never actually act on it. i told my internet friend to use they them pronouns but like how would she even use those while talking to me so it's kinda useless. i use they them in my head and it makes me feel better. oh and i technically came out to my english teacher, now let's see if i have the guts to remind him the next time i see him. but i can't seem to tell my actual friends, people i know.

family is a whole other story, they're still trying to wrap their heads around the fact that bi and pan aren't fully the same thing and i'm not bi. they are terrible at pronouns, they think as long as they acknowledge that someone is trans that they can still use old pronouns or say they liked them better as a boy/girl.

so my only hope at feeling valid is telling my friends but i can't seem to do that. the first time i came out to my friends was when i barely met them, they followed me on wattpad and i was chilling then they're like "oh you're gender fluid? i didn't know that." and i swear i had a mini panic attack bc i totally forgot i put it there. they were super chill about it but at that time i was barely tipping my toe into the water and told them she/her and they/them was fine so of course they mainly stuck with she/her. but one of them stuck with they/them and i realized how much i liked it.

then i had an identity crisis :) and i know people mean well when they say they like my hair down or when i wear makeup or whatever. but i don't do that stuff often, even though it does make me very confident and happy, because it makes me feel very bad about myself. it's like art, how guiding lines lead the eye to what the focus should be. i see my hair down and it guides my eyes to the stuff that makes me particularly upset. i wear makeup and i start looking at the rest of myself and how it lacks in comparison. it's kind of a mix of me being enby/not wanting to make people think i'm a girl and me just thinking i'm not that good looking.

which yes i will admit, there are times when i see myself and i'm cute as hell or i'm hot like have you seen my profile pic?? hot damn. but more often than not, i just can't see it. it's not always an issue of curves either, i just wish i looked more like those beautiful people i've looked up to my whole life. like weird example but hear me out. in middle school, we had these college tutors, they were local college students that basically helped us get better in school. one of them, her name was bree, nicest girl ever, freaking beautiful. she had this beautiful long black hair and her main outfits seemed to utilize boots and a scarf as accessories. every day she'd come in more fashionable than the last. and even though i've been told many times that i am good looking or whatever and i could easily be on that level if i just 'tried to look presentable' but sometimes that logic doesn't apply when i'm freaking out.

sometimes my freak outs are terrible to go through. i'll feel ugly, or like i should just bail on wherever i'm going altogether. or i'll start getting hot flashes and uncomfortable, leading me to becoming annoyed with every little thing. or i'll feel physically disgusted, like just hyper fixating on the feeling of that one body part or the way that one spot feels. it's super annoying and i hate it.

and yes i know that "i feel pretty" was terrible in terms of representation, how she literally had to think she was skinny to be happy. however, i get what she meant. it's a terrible message that we need to stop spreading to kids bc i've felt that way since i was little. if only i was better looking, i could have more friends. if only i was shorter, the person i like would like me back. it's freaking annoying and since i realized i was maybe sorta enby, i just completely threw out gender constructs and thought about how i define how i look. with this, i realized that i can date whoever the frick i want bc height doesn't matter. i realized that i have to fake it till i make it so i force myself to act confident, force myself to act like i always love myself or how i look. bc by doing that, i can probably get there faster.

i wore the same sweater every day last year bc it was like a security blanket, it made me feel smaller, it made me feel safer. in all actuality, i feel really good in crop tops. i love wearing sweaters but those guys are the best. so idk maybe i'll wear my crop tops with a sweater over it and i'll be one step closer to becoming more confident and happy.

and in terms of makeup, i don't like wearing full makeup for the whole day. for a few minutes maybe but i cannot go hours, i suffer too much. so i wanna start slow. i really love coloring my eyebrows with different colors but my favorites are pink and blue, much like my enby icon talyn. so i wanna start wearing pink and blue gradient when i go out.

also i should add idk about doing this at school yet bc they terrify the (watch the profanity) ever-loving shit out of me with their stupid dress code. it makes no sense, endorses rape, sexualization of minors, and it helps no one.

so ig this whole thing was an excuse to rant about that. ik no one reads this but if anyone reads this in the future, does all of this turn out okay? do i ever get fully comfortable with all this crap? whatevs, buh bye!

7/5/20

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