Aiming Genuine Happiness

Prologue:

All I can say is fuck.

Damn it.

I thought all I have read was bullshit but it turned out that, I've believed otherwise.

I said "I don't", but my actions, my actions are so damn the opposite of what I think.

Those butterflies in the stomach, those flash-forwards, those fucking flashbacks?

It's true! And damn it! I didn't want it to be true but it was.

And the fucking crazy thing is... I wanted it to be true. And I found fascinated by it when I was the one feeling it. On. the. fucking. damn. spot!

I felt how magical that love is.

And not only did I got fascinated, but I was also addicted to that.

And I, I pushed through to get what I wanted.

But I ended up so tired, so used, so broken, so fucking empty.

And all those butterflies shit faded because of pain, of regret, of fucking misery.

I'm so fucking tired!

And it is so fucked up because I was so empty right now because I've given without thought, I've given, without doubt, I've given without regrets!

I fucking pushed through!

I fucking tried!

So fucking hard and in the end...

I'm here.

Always crying.

Always complaining.

Always angry.

Always so miserable.

Always so damn sad!

I loved to be loved.

And when I got rejected, I'm left here.

Looking at the broken crumbs before me.

It was so broken, it cannot be pieced together.

Like sand, the more I hold on to it, the more it escaped my hands.

The more it got fed up.

I'm so fucking fed up!

I was- where did I go wrong?!

Was I not enough?!

No! I was too much!

Too fucking much I ended up dying!

And the fuck up reality is, I am not exaggerating!

I died.

Because I wanted his love so much.

I've given everything I can give.

And it left me so fucking empty.

So. Fucking. Damn. Empty!

Love!?

Bull fucking shit!

Love?!

That is all I wanted, but I was --

I don't know.

All I know, right here, right now while hugging myself like I wanted so hard to feel those warm moments again, is that he deserves so much better, stronger than me.

And that thought kept my once expressive mouth shut, my hoping mind to despair and my wanting heart... to die.

And it hurts.

It hurts so much I don't feel happy anymore.

I don't feel love anymore.

I don't feel anything anymore.

Nothing.