New year

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So well, my pet-rat died today, so i want to think of something else. So I am gonna write a little bit more.


Today is 31. December. New Year's Eve. A whole new year is coming tomorrow. My family doesn't care so much of this day, we just look at the fireworks. We don't even shoot up some by ourselves. We only watch. I honestly just want to be alone. I don't like my family. That's the reason I changed. This year will be the best year of my life. My past is gone, I am a new person now. If someone asks me about it, I will not answer, or maybe I will. Maybe I'll lie. But I won't tell the truth. I am ashamed of my past, and who I was. I am not that person anymore. I want everyone to know me as I am now. Nothing special. I hide, and use a uniform to fit in. No one will understand that I am not like everyone else. I'll look like a normal girl, and I'll act like one. So basically thight jeans, a normal t-shirt and using scarfs inside. And I will use a lot of make-up, looking for a boyfriend, and being a bitch. I was opposite of that. Not anymore. But I guess I will be more like, jeans and a t-shirt, maybe mascara and eyeliner, quiet, and not after any boy. People may think I am changing because of a boy. I like a boy, I actually do, but he doesn't like girly girls. Anyway, I am not after a relationship. I am only after friends. I have none. It's because I am, I mean was, different. People don't like different, so they try to get rid of it. People can't be themselves, afraid of being judged. I don't care. No one wants to bully me anyway, because I am so scary. I get looks though. I like a little bit. That people are afraid of me. But I want some friends. And no one wants to be friends with someone who are weird, and depressing. I have some friends, but they are too busy on their own stuff.

I walked into the kitchen, like I always do when I am bored. "It's almost dinner. Will you make the table?" I get asked. It was my stepmother. My parents are divorced, and my mother live a little long time away from here, so I live with my dad, stepmother, stepbrother and stepsister. I want to live with my mom, but my father won't let me. My real sister had years of fighting my father, only to live with just mom. I put the plates for 5 people on the table. "We are 7. Your sister and brother is also coming," my father tells me. So I take 2 more plates and get done. I went back to my room. It may seem like I am spoiled because I have dobble-bed, a sofa, and a big TV on the wall. But I am not. I only get stuff, that I am not asking for, so I won't need their attention. I was asked if I wanted an iPad for Christmas, but I said no. They think I am weird. Everyone does actually. It's true I guess. Not anymore. I am not the same. And if I am, then it is a little, white lie. And they will not hurt anyone. Right?

After dinner I went to the bathroom. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I can't cry anymore. I didn't eat so much, but I still puked it out. Maybe I am not fat, but I am not skinny enough. I see people everywhere, being skinny and pretty, and I want to be just like them. But I can't. So I starve myself. I was underweight, but since I gained 4 kg just in the summer, I wanted to change. I have lost 6 kg. I am really happy for that. One of my New Years resolution is to go down more. But I will focus more on forgetting the past and be a new person.

And then the evening came. We all stood outside in the freezing air, looking up. We could see a lot of fireworks, and almost everyone was amazed. Not me. They were waiting for the clock to go 00.00. I was waiting for it all to be over, so I could go inside again. And so I did. I didn't sleep. But I didn't cut. A new year. No cutting. Be normal. I was awake because I was overthinking. Of my past. I hope this goes well. I will stop until next year. Then I will be not me. I will be better. I hope for being perfect.

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