Hold You Accountable (Published) | ✓

Kabanata 35

Kabanata 35

We decided to ditched them and went to a nearby park. Walang masyadong tao pero hindi naman mukhang delikado. Pinarke niya ito at lumabas kami ng kotse upang umupo sa isang bench na bakante.

The vague memory of lamp posts made the insides of my stomach churned. It was the only thing that illuminates light in this night, pati na rin ang buwan na mukhang manonood pa 'yata sa aming dalawa.

I glanced at Sath who was already looking at me. He cleared his throat and gave a faint smile.

"Kamusta ka?" he almost stammered, eyes lowering down. He knew I felt uncomfortable so he opened the conversation. Typical considerate Sath.

"I'm doing better," I responded dryly. "Not good but not as bad either. Ikaw? I hope you're doing good..."

"Not really," he answers. "But yeah, it's getting better. The days are not always bad for me."

I'm glad because if he is still broken because of what I did before, kahit siguro ako ay mahihirapan mapatawad ang sarili ko.

"Thank you for hearing me out." I found the words stuck in my throat but it pushed through. "I know you have a date but you still..."

"A date?" he furrowed his eyebrows.

"Caitlyn. Well, you were with her and both of you were wearing a couple's outfit..." my gaze fell down. I started to slowly rub my hands on my thighs. Tinatanggal ang kaba na nararamdaman.

"We had our entrep meeting before going to Ade's invitation. We had to dressed that way because we were trying to find the proper attire for our presentation." He explained, sighing.

"Oh, I thought..."

"You tend to assume without asking, Zafirah." He muttered sharply. Iniwas niya ang kanyang tingin sa akin. He was right though, I tend to overthink a lot. I tend to think things ahead, making the reality distorted in my head.

"I'm sorry..."

"You don't always have to feel sorry for everything, Zaf." He says. Pero lalo lamang ako nakaramdam ng guilt. If he was angry at me, I would have accepted it. Pero parang wala talaga silang nararamdaman na kahit anong galit para sa akin.

"I know it's hard to forgive me but thank you, Sath..." namamaos kong sabi.

Sath slowly shook his head. Nanatili ang kanyang tingin sa aking mga mata. In his brown eyes, I could clearly see my reflection.

"It's easy to forgive you, Zaf. Ikaw lang naman ang hindi marunong magpatawad sa sarili mo..." his words attacked me with the same intensity of slapping my face.

Hindi ako nakasagot. Para na naman akong natuod sa aking pwesto.

"I got hurt because I was doing everything I can, Zafi. Pero parang kulang. Parang kahit anong gawin ko hindi kita kayang gawing masaya. You don't even tell me what's wrong. You don't tell me anything at all. Saan ako lulugar no'n?" bakas sa kanyang boses ang sakit na nararamdaman niya. Unti-unti siyang pumikit, kitang-kita ko kung gaano siya nahihirapan sa pag-kwento sa akin ngayon.

My heart sank knowing that I made him feel like this.

How can I forgive myself for hurting someone who have done nothing but love me? Pero tama siya, I have to forgive myself for the things that I have done before by changing what I can change now. Wala na akong mapapala sa pagbalik tanaw sa nakaraan, all I can do is give myself the forgiveness that I deserve.

"I broke up with you not because you weren't enough, Sath." hinawakan ko siya sa kanyang mga kamay, offering him assurance that it was the truth.

I cupped his face to make him looked at me. Agad naman na pumungay ang kanyang mga mata nang magtama ang aming mga paningin.