let's have a good time and never look back

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so i kinda love this song and others by hayley kioko but i've been actively avoiding them for years bc this one girl i used to know was like in love with her and when that girl turned out to have a very manipulative and terrible personality, since i associated hayley with her, hayley was ruined for me forever. same thing with halsey. thankfully it wasn't the same with hayley williams, i've known paramore since i was little so that crappy girl didn't ruin her for me (since i associate that hayley with my sister when she went through her emo phase :))

okay so yesterday i was finishing up some work right? and like everyone knows i don't like ruining my routine or sleep schedule. i follow very specific rules, i head upstairs at 9 (9:30 if i really need to) i start getting ready for bed and shiz, then i get into bed at around 9:16 or 9:20, then i put all my electronics off to the side bc you need to be unexposed to that stuff 30 minutes before you fall asleep. then i'll start brainstorming and stuff with the acting thing for a while and then i fall asleep. now i don't know the exact time bc again i'm not allowed to look at my phone but my guesstimate is that i fall asleep at about 10:20-ish on a good day.

HOWEVER yesterday since this stupid college thing wasn't finished yet, i didn't start getting ready for bed until like 10:40 and i probably didn't even get to sleep until like 11:30 which is way behind.

the only reason i'm not in a bad mood is bc i got new sheets yesterday that are supposed to help when i get hot at night (happens all the time) and my parents tucked it in for me so it felt like i was being hugged all night, especially since i cuddle with my ice bear :))

OH DUDE okay so all week i've been having writers block which really doesn't matter bc all the posts i post are prewritten, i wrote them all in like may and they're gonna be posted all the way into october so i'm good, but i don't wanna fall behind so i keep pushing myself to write more drafts that i'll post. but i haven't had any inspo, which is great for my professors bc i have nothing else to do but their work, however it's bad for me bc i enjoy writing, you can see that by pushing myself to write all these parts has actually made my writing better. like some of the stuff i wrote years ago is awful but newer parts are better. now, i really want to write a really good one for halloween and just now i was struck with the genius. what are you supposed to do when you have writers block? write what you know, right? i had a genius idea that's kinda like the shining mixed with that one supernatural fanfic i read in 6th grade that had nicholas sparks and it was super cool. OOH BOY I LOVE HAVING INSPIRATION

yesterday was awesome (despite how badly i was stressing) bc i got to learn more about my friend. i already knew the basics, about her bc duh but like i found out more stuff like apparently she's into basketball?? which is cool as hell?? like who knew?? it was nice to chat with her yesterday tho, it was a nice break.

AND THEN my dad but on the fellowship of the ring bc it's father's day weekend and the first time i watched it i was bored as hell, it was too long, i didn't understand it whatever. BUT this time around, i was listening to it and glancing up every now and then and holy sweet dreams no one told me how awesome it was. like sam is so precious and he's 100% gay for frodo, when gandalf and bilbo hugged it was the most adorable thing ever my heart was stolen. honestly i don't ever see myself getting totally into it, last time i tried to be NERDY and DIFFERENT i ended up looking like a clown (let's ignore the star wars phase). now i'm willing to accept the fact that i'm not smart enough to understand the lore and stuff of lord of the rings, star wars , the hobbit or any of that :) so i'll stick with lil gay boy samwise and i'll be on my way :))

okay so we all know i don't like my mom's dad, i say that bc there's no way in hell i'm calling him my grandpa, he's incredibly racist and homophobic and all that stuff as well as an asshole that hurt my grandma :) but can we talk about my actual grandpa, my better one, the one on my dad's side?? so i'm only out to my mom's side of the family bc they're more liberal and less religious, however, my great uncle on my dad's side is gay and that is my grandpa's brother. my grandpa has an amazing sense of humor and he's pretty amazing with kids and stuff. i remember my entire childhood with him was like a lot of laughs. and i'm not gonna say he's perfect, honestly he can be stubborn and a small temper, and he can be really gross with his food stuff but his humor is his best quality, he supports his brother (to what extent? idk actually i've only met his family like twice but they talk about him enough) and he's definitely doing a lot of good deeds. if there is a god up there, he will definitely take in my grandpa bc come on dood, my grandpa has devoted his entire life to that stuff. his whole job centers around church so yah.

speaking of that, i love getting presents but i think i'd rather buy them myself if at all. we all know i'm agnostic so i mainly only celebrate halloween, thanksgiving, and christmas. idk if i wanna celebrate my birthday, like yeah, i'll accept little birthday messages (especially ones you pour your heart into bc i wanna know how you really feel bb) but i get uncomfortable at my birthday parties, when people give me gifts, when they sing happy birthday, all that, i don't like the attention. earlier, i was flashing back to my birthday parties and it felt really real, i could vividly see it all around me i could feel how uncomfortable it was, and i winced, i'm not an expert on this stuff but i'm pretty sure you shouldn't be scared or disturbed by memories like that. again i love getting lil messages and stuff but i shrink under attention like that.

that's it, buh bye!!

6/21/20

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