SINCE DAY ONE ― luke hemmings ✓

34

"how many hearts will die tonight?"

▷ hello, i'm in delaware

yes, it's happening today

*・。*゜・。・o゜・。*゜・。・o*゜・。・o*

You know that moment in your life where you're so—afraid to do anything. So afraid to speak, to move, or even so much as blink. That moment where you would've given everything you have just to go back in time and make things better. My moment was now, when I'm too afraid to touch—Luke. So afraid.

Luke flinched and I jolted from where I sat. Finding my voice in the middle of his movement when he dropped the wallet and walked to the door. My feet following immediately while my hand reached for him when he stopped dead on the door. Holding tight at the knob I could see his hands were shaking so much. "Lie to me, Theo." He murmured, a lump on my throat choking out sobs when I couldn't do anything but cry. "Lie to me, now."

I recoiled from the edge on his voice, scared he'll burst from the minute I spoke that I merely shook my head almost unknowingly. Even if I wanted to get rid of the stupid truth to save both of us from the pain of it, lies only sound so sweet than the bitter truth that burned my tongue and made my heart heavy. "I—It's true." It came out hoarse, almost inaudible if not for the silence being louder than anything else.

My heart jumped when he punched on the door, leaning his forehead over it that I could hear whimpers, torturing my heart even more that I wanted to disappear. For a second there, I regret everything in a quick flash. I regret lying, I regret leaving him in the dark. I regret hurting him this much. I wanted to regret coming here but—I couldn't. There was no way my heart could regret a moment of seeing him happy again.

"Is this when... when..." It came out calm, yet his voice continued to break in between I had to keep my sobs within my palms. "Is it when you left?"

"Y-Yes."

"Is it when you said you—you needed to be away for three months?"

"Yes." Luke faced me, tears tracing his beautiful face I wanted to hug him. But I was too scared—too scared to do anything than stand here and watch the calm before the storm. It was happening and I could feel it in my gut. I just didn't know if—I'll be capable to handle it.

"You were already lying to me for six solid months?" It came out in a tone of disbelief, and all I could do was accept it for what it is. "You were lying to me... For six fucking months, Theodora!" He cowered down, hands over his face and I moved to touch him, but he drew it back. Tearing more and more of my heart away while he refused to look at me. "You lied to me with—that."

"I—I'm sorry, Luke—"

"You had so many chance to tell me. You had so much! Why didn't you?"

I stepped back, holding on to the wall just in case my knees gives up because this was—too much. "Luke, I'm sorry—"

"Sorry?! You're sorry after all these months of—of us, of weeks of going out. Of giving us another chance! Of me blindingly trusting you once again after you went to me drunk, apologizing for—for being broken. For letting me think it was some other stupid reason when... when.."

"I know! I know!" I yelled desperately, "And I'm sorry I kept it all this time because I was afraid! I was afraid you'll lose everything because of me—"

"You knew how much I love you, Theo! You knew what I was willing to do for you!"

"That's why I left! Because I know! Either you give everything up or leave me and I didn't wanna make you choose out of pity because I was dying. I didn't wanna make you choose over what's important for you, what you worked so hard for—"

"But it's not your choice to make!" He was angry, fuming even, and I was breaking, seeing him like it. I never imagined a life where I'll see him hurt like this. Because of me. "You didn't give me a chance to choose. You never did."

"Luke—"

"Did you know that I'll choose you over everything in my whole fucking life, Theo? I'd choose you over and over if I have to. I'll—always do."

"I'm so sorry, Luke. Please."

"And you didn't let me." Luke dropped on the ground and buried his face on his knees. And I wanted to be there for him. But how could I do that when I'm the reason he was crying? How could I hold him after everything I did? "You just... left. You—You left me wondering all this time. You left, asking me to forget you. That you said things wouldn't work out. And... I didn't wanna believe you. So—when I saw you again?" He looked at me this time, and I was willing to apologize forever if it meant not seeing him cry and sob like he hadn't before. "Theo, I told myself I never wanted to stop loving you for a second of my life."

"Luke—I'm so sorry. For everything."

"And then, I gave you another chance to hurt me again."

"Luke, please, forgive me—"

"You had—c—" He didn't say it, and I knew it'd be hard for him to do.

"I had cancer." So, I did it for him. "For two years of my life. Ever since that day I passed out at our apartment. And it progressed fast through the months that I had to make up an excuse to go away. You were in the middle of tour, and you were so tired I couldn't say it. It's—so fucking hard that I did what I have to do to keep it. Luke, I—I love you too much to ruin what we worked for so hard in this life. I love you too much to hurt you. I love you too much—to have you love back a dying girl."

"But it's not your choice to make." He murmured, and in a blink, he disappeared and went out the door so fast I tripped just to catch up to him on the elevator, wiping his face roughly at the crook of his hands that when it closed, my heart went away with his teary ocean eyes.

I couldn't wait for it to go back up again that I took the stairs, only a few floors down I was heaving when I reached the lobby and saw him right outside walking so fast I ran again even breathless.

"Luke, please!" I managed to crashed myself on his back and hugged him tight. So tight that I didn't want him to go anywhere, that I didn't want him to leave this time. "I let you go far away the first time but I'm not gonna let it happen today, Luke. You can hate me all you want, you can hate me forever if you have to. But I'm not gonna let go this time. I'm not." I was desperate. It was enough to fuel a passion for a girl who was too much of a coward to tell the truth. This time, all I could ever think about was him. All I could ever care about was taking away all the hurt from his heart if I could.

"You had two years, didn't you?" There was spite in his tone, making my head fuzzy and my chest hurting so much from it. "And you had two more months."

"I'm not letting go, Luke!"

"I—I can't go through this again, Theo." He unlinked my arms together and I was too weak to resist when he fully untangled me from him and faced me, wiping harshly on the tear that escape his eye.

"I love you so much, Luke." He stepped away and shook his head, and I could feel it. I could feel him running far away from me. I could feel him unloving me the more he looked at me like I was a stranger again. And there it was, my fear, growing every step he took. That if pain comes in waves, this must've been the violent crashing. Leaving me hollow, slowly, until I turned into worthless pieces of myself.

"I love you, Theo." There was more, "—but I don't think I can do this anymore."