Only a Memory

Chapter Nine

TW// mentions of su*c*de

I woke up with my right arm over her waist and my left arm under her head. She was facing away from me but was cuddled very close. Waking up like this brought back a lot of memories, ones that I really missed. Just then Yelena knocked on the door and peeked her head in.

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, I was up"

"Okay, waffles are being made by the way, so come down if you want any"

"Perfect"

"Oh and um- what happened last night? I heard some screaming and not the good kind" Yelena chuckled lightly to clear the air.

"Not going to lie a lot happened. I found out about Sarah"

"Oh- yes.."

"Did you know about Nat's depression?" she fully stepped in and closed the door.

"Well.. she's been going to therapy for 2 years now, so yes I did"

"Did you know that she was going to kill herself?" I've been laying on my back, just then Nat rolled over and out her arm over me and was facing me. Which made me jump.

"..no,  I had no idea, when?"

"On our anniversary"

"Like a few days ago?"

"Yes" I saw her eyes start to get watery.

"I'm gonna go"

"I'm so sorry I put that on you"

"No, it's all good..." she slipped out.

I felt bad, but I thought that she would have already known. I kissed Nat's forehead, but when I did I noticed how hot and sweaty  it was. Her whole body was getting sweaty. She started crying, there were tears streaming down her face but she was still asleep.

"Nat, hey, wake up"

A few seconds later she shot up and put her hands over her eyes and continued to cry, now fully awake. I put my hand on her back which made her jump. Her sobs were pretty loud but her temp went down.

"Shhh.. hey, it's okay"

"No Steve, it's not okay, nothing is"

"What do you mean?"

"How can you even look at me, I hid a very big secret from you, I left you suddenly and never answered your calls-"

"Nat, I don't care about any of that, it's all in the past. I'm only thinking about the present"

"Well my brain likes to think about the past, I have flashbacks while I sleep, all the time. I wake crying and sweating"

"And I can handle all of that"

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. Can I ask you something?"

"I was going to crash my car"

"What?"

"That's how I was going to kill myself, on the way home"

"..."

Nat moved onto my lap with her chin resting on my shoulder. I could feel the tears.

"You don't have to say anything"

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why were you going to kill yourself?"

"....I couldn't stop- thinking about what I did to you, I ruined your life, I am a horrible person who deserves no love"

"You could have called me, to fix things"

"I know Steve!" her voice was shaky but sad, her crying turned into sobs.

"But... a person who is sad or depressed deserves the most love"

"No I don't"

"You deserve all the love in the world, from me, Yelena, Sarah, Bucky, everyone"

"No..."

"I'm not going to let you believe that you mean nothing when you mean everything. I really don't care about anything that happened in the past Nat, all I care about is right here and right now. Waking up next to you knowing that I slept with you in my arms, raising a family with you. Nat I love you so much, I always have and that will never change no matter what you do"

There were still tears rolling down her face. The back of my shirt was soaked.

"I love you too Steve"

"Will you be my girlfriend again?"

She leaned back and looked at me.

"Of course I will"

This time I leaned forward and gave her a sweet but passionate, full of love kiss.

"Please no more of this sad talk okay. We are back together which is a reason to be happy"

"Okay"

I leaned forward again giving her another kiss, this one lasting longer, followed by another long kiss. I rolled over, flipping her onto the bed, being on top of her I started kissing down her neck. Leaving a few marks, but they were lower and could easily be covered by a shirt. Eventually I went back up to her lips, the cycle continued. Although I was careful not to leave too many marks.