a pill on my toungue, dissolve the nerves that have just begun

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i really hate america but whatever, we do be stuck here

okay so i think, keyword think, that i might be something (and another thing but i don't wanna think about that rn) and i don't think i've ever felt less clueless about that in my life. it's really nice to imagine. you see, every night, i always act. it's usually me just acting out stories, i don't wanna get into it it's stupid, but i can't sleep without it. i've been doing the same routine since like 6th grade so i'm used to it. and usually i play a really specific role, either main character or background character bc i know that if the idea is really good and i like it, i write it out. if i'm not somewhere in the story while acting it out, i can't fully understand the scene and the writing comes out crappy.

anyways, since i found out about more lgbt stuff in 7th grade, some things have stuck in my mind. what if i'm somewhere on the ace spectrum? what if i'm this? what about that? blah blah blah, there's always this one thing stuck in my head but i've shoved it to the back bc i don't know what i would do, if i was serious about it. but recently while acting, i thought of it again. i started using my "role" to try it out, see how it felt. honestly i didn't freaking care but i think i maybe like it?? this is stupid huh? no one reads this and i'm still scared to write it, it's in my bio and i'm still scared to write it. whatever, i don't have much else to add.

anyways i don't like it. bc now i gotta stress all over again. when i wanted to come out to my family the first time, i was scared. would they treat me differently? what if i don't feel like is anymore, will they not understand? yadda yadda yadda, then i came out and i didn't have to stress anymore. now that this happened i'm stressing again. should i even bother telling my family? i mean they don't need to know right? it's not that big of a deal if i go on the same way that i have been bc i don't mind that much. idk if i should even tell my current friends. ik i want to tell anyone knew i meet but this is weird. one of my friends technically already knows (i guess??) and really she's kinda the one that got me wondering again and how i came to this conclusion.

whatever, this artist that i follow on insta, leonalielee, draws in such a beautiful way. like their art style is so adorable and i adore anyone who kinda looks like that irl. their art is amazing and i absolutely adore them.

also i can't get coby's au out of my head. like freaking mind blowing how good their writing is so good dude, they are such a legend.

oh and remember how i said that one character felt like really personal and it felt like he was in my head? welp, i was reading another one that was very much like me and i was like "aw, don't worry, that's not a bad thing, i think that all the time." then i finished it and apparently that was bad too and i was just like "well crap"

that's it ig, buh bye!

6/9/20

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