and it's all because we're through, i got a list of songs i can't listen to

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i haven't heard this song in like a year but it's been stuck in my head.

okay so i had like three dreams last night. numero uno:
patton (from sanders sides) burned my torture dungeon. yes, it was a literal chamber but it looked like an above ground bunker. i think it had something to do with the fact that i read a post earlier about the canon sides meeting the fanon sides and fanon patt would be like "aw, kiddo, you're feeling down? let's bake cookies, but don't touch the knives, only adults can touch them" or whatever and then canon patt comes in and he burns down a building and has chocolate smeared around his face and he just "what" bc let's be honest, canon patt is so chaotic, it's scary. but anyways he burnt down my torture chamber and i was sad. but then it was roman and remus' bday (as well as mine bc we were triplets :)) and logan and virgil got us presents, and i noticed that patton got the twins their gifts but i hadn't gotten anything so i was like excuse you but then patton turned me around and i saw a new torture chamber and i was very happy.

numero dos:
y'all remember gabe from good luck charlie? okay so i was trick or treating with him at the mall. but he had the same life as this kid i knew in elementary school, we'll come back to that. and we were like just going through the stores (most of them were closed by this point) and this guy (someone i used to date) kept following us with his skateboard (even though gabe's mom was driving us around the mall, she was someone different from the one on the show) and when we got out of the car to get some candy, my ex came up to us and we told him to go away and he forgot his skateboard so i rolled it in his direction but apparently skateboards are like bullets now bc it shot through the store window and pulled the whole thing down. my ex ran after it and gabe and i were thinking like "it's okay bc the cameras will only catch him, not us, and the skateboard is his so he would get caught, not us. so we both ran back to his mom's car and we told her and she started driving us back home (very slowly). remember when i said gabe had the same life as a kid i used to know. okay, this kid was semi friends with me, i knew him from 1st to 6th grade, and in that time we had this lil table group with this girl and honestly i shipped them together. they would argue and call each other names and sometimes hit each other playfully and it was honestly cute. so in my dream, the girl i just mentioned, she was in the parking lot, and gabe (who like i said was supposed to be the boy i knew in elementary) noticed her and immediately fell in love. he was blushing and begging his mom to stop the car to go talk to her, he found her instagram and it was so cute how cute he thought she was.

finally, numero tres:
okay so i was at home and i was carrying some figurine that honestly looked like poop. and i accidentally dropped it so i had to clean it up. i was going upstairs to get the stuff to clean it up, then my sister showed up with her boyfriend and some work associates or whatever, keep in mind she refuses to work an office job so i was shocked, and they're all at the top of the stairs and laughing at me. my sister's making fun of me with them and all that chiz. so it skipped to like a while later, they were going downstairs (why it was more like a work building than my own house, idk) but they were taking the elevator. now i knew i had rigged the elevator to explode, but with the way they were treating me, i encouraged them to go into the elevator and said i would take the stairs.

i saved that one for last bc honestly it kinda scared me. how willing i was to hurt them, how i barely even thought about it and yah that's kinda gross. i also read somewhere that exposing yourself to a lot of stuff, on purpose, early in your childhood kinda screws you over in life and with intrusive thoughts and you know what, i'm not that shocked that that explains everything screwed up with me. i learned about all that stuff when i was like 9 or 10, (keep in mind they said 11-13 was too young) they said that at that age you're way too imaginative, it romanticizes and misrepresents mental illnesses, lgbt people, abuse, all that stuff, it's really gross when it comes to real life people, and it can give you a really bad mindset which in turn can worsen intrusive thoughts and we all know the damage of those.

so mayhaps i hate myself :)) oh and mayhaps i'm gonna start saving up for therapy bc at first i was just gonna ya know do it just bc we all love good mental health but i was reading something and it felt like the character was deep inside my head, i felt like that like a LOT and keep in mind, I normally wouldn't care bc it's a story but this writer researches so much and writes very well so that concerns me a bit knowing that in this story apparently that feeling is bad?? like you can read my past vents and see that i dissociate a lot, i just lay there when i get overwhelmed, i space out in general, and more stuff i don't want to get into, and apparently that's not good (??) so i'm thinking maybe therapy might be more beneficial than i thought

anyways i am such a simp for lamp rn, more specifically ro, vi, lo, and jan (also rights for remy to date jan on the side :)) from this beautiful au by cobyjline, patton's an ahole so we ignore, but with the four of them together, toby figuring out they're agender (and ace, and aro), remy realizing he likes jan, ugh, i be a real floozy for that series :))

as i close out, i had to make a video today for my teacher and i looked absolutely horrendous. for some reason my baby hairs have been growing out and i can't control them, it makes me look crazy, man. but i did appreciate my lil clown joke, i thought it was funny.

oh and have i mentioned i absolutely hate the smell of pumpkins? i'm sure those scented candles or whatever are nice but i'm talking about raw pumpkins, i despise pumpkin carving, i despise anything with pumpkins, nasty.

i'm weird, huh? i calculated how long it would take to watch all of sanders sides without ads or buffering and it was like 8:33:21 or something (i deleted it like an idiot but i'm pretty sure that's the right numbers) and i managed to do that. i had to spread it over a couple of days bc i can't always watch stuff but when i could it was a nice trip down memory lane. i always remember when i first started it bc it was right after can lying be good. i followed an editor who started getting into the show and edited the episode with a spoiler warning. by that point i had heard about it from my friend, he was obsessed. so i watched the episodes out of order (bc i wasn't expecting to become invested) and like a month or so after i got into it, i realized that my friend was talking about stuff i didn't remember bc i hadn't seen the first few episodes, just the most recent ones. so i binged it in order and wonderful, beautiful, amazing, i love.

anyways, i guess i came out to my friend rn, i'm stressing out about stuff that isn't even about me (it's about glee and something else with my sister) and that's it, buh bye!

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