I'm a mess

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    I felt my heart crumble as I broke down in tears . Every time I remembered these events , my heart breaks . I just don't believe it completely . I dropped to the couch and cried profusely . I couldn't stop . I've been living with fear ever since . I couldn't seem to  move on . " Nels still alive ? Britt too ? Oh God ! why me ? just....why me . If there really is a God would he sit back there in his fucking chair and watch these happen to me ? " I mutter under my hot breath .

      I perceived a familiar scent behind me as she patted my head ; Sabrina . My angel who never left me.  I cried harder as i looked into her blue eyes .
  " Hey Lana , look at me .. " She raised my chin up . I couldn't look into her eyes instead I looked at my picture hung up the wall . " I want you to look into my eyes Lana ..." I shivered and looked into her eyes .
" Lana you can't be like this forever . I mean , look at you , you're twenty - three hm ? move on Lana ..." She placed her hands on my shoulder as she continued . " I love you Lana , God loves you Lana . Some guy out there will love you ! ...yo- " I quickly cut her off by glaring at her with angry eyes . 
  " Don't you dare say that thing again . Love ? God ? loves me ? If there was a God would he let me be molested ? would he let me suffer ? would he let me lose my priorities ? . There's no fucking God Sab . There's no other love I need other than the one my parents showered me . Other than the one YOU showered me . Fuck God Sab . I hate him . I hate myself . I wanna die sab . I wanna die !! " I didn't know when i started crying loudly .

   Sabrina stood up and went to her room . I thought she was angry . She suddenly came out with a large sized mirror . She stretched it to me. " Take this Lana . Take a good look at yourself . How long do you wanna remain this way ? " I became confused . " What am I to do with this ? "
  " You heard me . "
   I collected the mirror and inched it at my face with closed eyes because I was scared at the monster that would pop out from the mirror any second . I finally looked at myself .
" Ahhhhhhh " I screamed while touching my face .
" w-wha-what is this ? " My hair was badly rigid and unkept , untrimmed and had dandruff . The edges and tips were dry and rough . I had dark circles and soggy eyes . My lips were bigger due to my sobbing . My eyes were swollen and red . My cheeks looked deformed . I looked deformed . My eyebrows were full , my hairs were locked and lashes scattered . My whole face looked fallen . Eye bags too !!!

  I toss the mirror away to the ground not wanting to notice anything . It  shattered . It deserves that . " I'm a mess Sab . "
" I'll leave you , you need some time alone . Your food is in the fridge . Microwave when you're ready ".  With that , she walked into her room . ' Move on you say , do you think its that easy to move on ? you don't even understand Sab . You don't feel my pain. I don't think I can ever move on but I'll think it through ' . I whisper to myself while having more gulp of my coffee.....

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