but i think you're just mad cause you're single

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yesterday was kinda the stupidest day ever. i had a mental break down and i was like "wah i have no control over my life". i will admit though that last night was particularly worse than before so that was scary but haha it's over.

this past week i have felt kinda sick like i could barely handle an apple for breakfast, my stomach just hurts man :(( i felt like throwing up a couple of nights ago and i have been burning up at night and freezing up in the day. wait what if i'm a vampire? omigosh i actually wanted to be a vamp in 6th grade i was obsessed with the blood and teeth and all that crap (which was weird bc i gag when blood isn't contained inside something)

i hate humans, my friends that i love aren't humans, they're angels. but humans are freaking terrible, i'm livid  but whatever :))

i'm more upset at the fact that i let them push me to the point where i cussed, and that sounds dumb but i hate cussing. it sounds really angry and (ik i'm childish okay) it makes me like really scared and upset when i hear it. ofc there are some exceptions but mainly when i know the cussing is supposed funny. anyways i hate cussing, i did so much of it when i was younger bc i was scared i would be more outcast than i already was if i didn't do whatever thong else was doing. ik i wasn't a good kid but whatever i hate cussing and it infuriates me that i let myself get to that point

i didn't sleep well last night, i didn't fall asleep until maybe 11:50 (i usually fall asleep at like 9:30 or 10) and i woke up at like 4:30. i forced myself to go back to sleep and i woke up at 6:20 so yeah.

that's it ig, i've been writing so much for my sanders sides book like it's amazing that i have one shots that won't even be posted until august, that's how many i have :)) i was crying earlier bc i realized that sanders sides only has one season left. however, season 2 started in 2017 and it's not ending for a while. they still have like 5 more episodes and like 3 asides episodes (keep in mind dwit was posted in jun last year, the sanders asides episode came out 5 months later, then putting others first was posted a month ago, so it takes a long time to make episodes without quarantine) so it'll be awhile before season 2 ends and we'll be in the last season. but i was crying bc i was brainstorming how it would end. i have two theories: the first one i got from twitter, like thomas was just in a therapy session with dr. picani the whole time (from the cartoon therapy series) and he was using inside out to help thomas with his issues. this is why thomas personifies his personality and always seems to have some sort of dilemma. my own theory is a little different. you see, no one really knows what thomas sees when the sides sink out. my theory is that thomas is finally content, everyone is happy and conflicts have been resolved. thomas says bye to his sides and they sink out. you see virgil, janus, and remus standing in their own mirrors wiping off their makeup, roman takes his suit off, showing a plain black shirt underneath and he hangs up the suit. maybe logan is undoing his tie and hanging it up too. but the one that matters most, patton sinks out and the shot cuts to him just sitting on the floor with his knees up. he didn't sink out, he didn't go anywhere. he's still in the living room, he unties his cardigan and lays it somewhere, he takes off his glasses and smiles sadly at them and he says "bye, patton." then it cuts to him getting in bed, he smiles and goes to sleep. and that's the end of the series. NOW WHEN I TELL YOU THIS BROKE MY HEART-

but sanders sides has made such a huge impact, sanders sides helped me with every single one of my problems, as if they knew what i was going through at that moment, it brought me closer to some of my friends, i gained friends bc of it, i've become a better person bc of it. like in middle school i cried at a dream where crankgameplays and markiplier and jacksepticeye gave me something and told me not to forget about them, how they helped me and immediately after i fell out of the fandom, got into sanders sides. knowing that'll happen with thomas hurts me. :(

whatever that's all ig, love ya, buh bye!

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