Querencia | Finnick Odair

Chapter XXXXII

In the morning I change Macie's bandages and see if there are any signs of infections, but luckily there are none. We eat breakfast and I prepare a set for her and explain to her how to change her bandages and tell her to come back if anything changes. Then I go to see Mariann, even though I feel so heavy today. But she is a person I can confide in and maybe she can tell me what to do with the situation now.

I knock and Mike opens the door.

"Hi Talisa, you are looking for Mariann I presume?"

"Yeah. I just need a girl-talk."

"Well, the kids and I want to go for a walk later and I teach them to use bow and arrow and rumour is that you are talented."

We walk through the living room, past the kitchen in which Silas sits and I wave to him, he ignores me.

Mariann hugs me as soon as I enter their lounge upstairs.

"You look tired."

"I am. I screwed up bad. Someone tried to kill me, I killed them, then Snow killed Lucida and I pushed away Finnick because of that. He must hate me so much."

"Okay okay. One thing, then the other. Somebody tried to kill you?"

I nod, shivering as I think back to the evening.

"Yeah, so it was a normal appointment or so I thought, but when we were on the bed he cut my thigh open. And I tried to fight and run, but he got to me and....and well he still tried to get....uhm...what he paid for I guess, but then I killed him and ran, passed out and woke up to Snow telling me that he killed Lucida to punish me for that. And I...", I stop and a choked-up sound leaves my lips.

"Oh honey. First of all he deserved it. You only protected yourself. And Snow is a big asshole who should die a horrible horrible death. And Lucida is the blondie, right? I am sorry. But then you pushed Finnick away?"

"Well not literally. But, we grew so close and I...I just care so much. But after Snow, he just...it was like all of it was drained and I just told him that we can't be together because there is no hope and Snow won't ever let us have happiness, so I just told him that and left. And he was the one person I could tell everything and he was always there for me and now I've ruined it. I ruined everything. He hates me because I am too afraid to be with him, because everything good is at risk when Snow is controlling my life."
Mariann pulls me close as I cry into her chest.

"Talisa. Listen. I know that life is scary and that Snow is terrible. But as far as I can see it you found love in this terrible world."

I look at her shocked.

"Oh come on. I am a mum, I can see that you love Finnick. And as it sounds he loves you as well. And you just had two big trauma causing moments in the span of days. And I am sure Finnick understands. But don't let love go. It is scary and a risk. I took it and it paid off. Love is something that is difficult, that can hurt, but most importantly something that is worth all the struggle. Take your time, think about what you want to do. But if I could give you advice...write him a letter, talk to him, explain what went through your head and tell him what you feel."

I nod.

"But what if I really ruined it, if he hates me now?"

"Even if he does, if you don't do it you will always ask yourself 'what if'"

"Okay. Step by step right? On that note. Seems like I am teaching your kids how to shoot?"

"Yes. I am afraid I am a little rusty, but you are still training almost every day and my boy is twelve now. There is always the fear of him being reaped, especially with the quarter quell coming up, so it would be a huge help for us to know that if something like that happened, they stand a chance."

I smile. "Of course. I will do my best."

15 minutes later Mike, Theresa, Daniel and I walk over the fields towards a small gathering of trees close to the wall surrounding our district. It is a rocky path and while carrying my bow which I took from the Capitol I also have Theresa on my other hand.

Mike clears his throat. "So, Talisa...I wanted to talk to you about something and I think now would be a good time."

"About what?"

He looks a bit abashed. "It concerns Silas."

"What about him? I mean he doesn't talk to me at all."

"Yes, we talked about that. You know from a man to a man."

I raise my eyebrows. "Sooo?"

"I don't want to throw him under the bus, but he changed over the past month. He seems to have taken a liking in you."

I laugh.

"He likes me? He is like 25 years older and doesn't talk to me. Him liking me would be weird since he could be my father..."

Mike nods. "That's what I mean. And I don't want this to sound like I am warning you because Silas and I are friends. But as said he grew scornful and agitated and well, just..."
I smile at Mike. "Thanks. I'll be able to handle it."

We reach the trees and Mike, who carried a target made out of straw, sets it down.

"So Daniel, I will show you how to do it, then you try your best and we work on making you better step by step, okay?"

He nods eagerly and I ready the bow, checking that my stance is lined up with the target and then aiming, one finger over the arrow, two below, breathing in and breathing out. Release. And it hits straight in the middle.

"Now you try", I smile and hand the bow to Daniel. He is a little smaller than me, but tall for a 12-year-old. Thanks to his dad I would guess.

"First the stance", I remember him as he already raises the bow.

"Line up sideways, feet shoulder-width apart", I explain and he does as told.

"Now, don't grip it too hard. It will make your arm tense up and affect your aim. Then draw it. Your index finger slightly touches the side of your mouth."

Daniel struggles a bit at first but then he has the bow fully drawn. "Now aim and release."

His arrow just barely hits the target and he is clearly frustrated.

"Try again. Try not to pluck the string when you release."

And he tries again. Hitting close to the same spot.

"Don't move your bow, even after you released the arrow. Now try again."

And he does, again and again, getting a little better, then missing again.

"Okay, that's enough for today."

"But I didn't hit the middle!", Daniel exclaims and I ruffle his hair.

"And that's okay. It is not the perfect bow for you and it's your first day of training. It takes time. Until one's aim is perfect it takes time."

He pouts. "But yours is perfect!"

"Yes, and I have been training for two and a half years. So keep on trying. You can use my bow if you promise to be careful."

He smiles. "I will. Promise."

"Good. Now let's go, my fingers are about to freeze off."
Everybody laughs and Theresa who played with a skipping rope until now hops on my back.

For just a fraction of a second I am not looking at frozen fields, but snow-covered ground, but Theresa's squeal pulls me back and I hold her up.