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COVER: 7/10
The cover is considerate. Genuinely I admire the vector graphics as it decently portrays the image of a lavish society of the 60s.
But the font could have been better and the placement of the title on the cover doesn't interest much.
TITLE: 6/10
Title of the book doesn't justify the storyline. As it is focusing on the life of souls which were tricked by their partners, I couldn't exactly decipher the thought behind the title given.
After going through the tale, according to me, there could have been more salutary and eye-catching titles on which you missed out.
BLURB: 6/10
If I have to describe the blurb, in short, I would just say it's way too short. At first sight, it doesn't give much about the story. Thus, it might steal great audiences from a beautiful tale. A little work on the blurb is recommended.
If you really don't wish to change the length of description, then you can add some necessary adjectives and emotional states of the protagonists because that might intrigue the decent amount of readers.
PAGE LAYOUT (Paragraphs, Spacing, Lines, Order Of Sequence, Neatness) : 7/10
Length of paragraphs is fair. Not too long and too short. But I find the length of chapters to be petite I assume they are barely crossing 1000 words.
I would suggest writing at least up to 1500 words if your chapter has more of descriptions and at least up to 1800 words if your chapter has more of conversation. Although chapters are quite neat and simply written.
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT : 7/10
The development of the characters is sudden and unexpected. The story completely changed with just one click. By the time I reached the 5th chapter, I was completely intrigued that what might happen to them next.
All the possible scenarios flooded across my mind but you surprised me with the letter thing completely twisting the plot in a different direction.
GRAMMAR/VOCABULARY/SPELLING: 7/10
Grammar is quite simple and understandable. No high-ended vocab is used either. But there are places where sentences sound inapt, like in Chapter one;
'the door opened with a squeak and presented a young man' it should be better written as;
'the door squeak opened revealing young man.'
And in Chapter 2; 'she wanted to feel in control' should be better written as;
'she didn't want her emotions to overpower her' or 'she wanted to control her emotions or feelings'
It sounds much better to me. Your scripts have too much use of conjunctions like ANDs and THATs which disturbs the flow of the content furthermore try to keep sentences simplified.
Even avoid using 'very' because they make no change in a sentence but makes sentence appear dramatic and you are well aware that your story isn't about drama but solemn issue Though usage of such words in dialogue is fine & one major issue I came across is the change of POV.
You must write at the begin of the chapter, cause when there is more than one pov reader might get confused that whose pov he/she is exactly reading.
COMMUNICATION WITH READERS: 0/5
Poor. I witnessed so many constructive critics were unanswered or I might say you completely failed to interact with fellow readers. It's not a good sign at all. Readers do not like such behaviour of the writer.
So gradually even if your story hooks them they might not vote or comment this way you might suffer a loss of potential readers.
GENERAL SATISFACTION (pleasure derived from reading. Intriguing? ) :10/15
The story was intriguing but last two chapters were a bit of disappointment as it was too hasty. I was even expecting to read how Mrs Lin confronts her husband regarding his affair with Dandan. As that was trick part, but you completely avoid it. I was even looking forward to know what sin Mrs Lin had to confess. But that scene was also left undescribed.
As a reader I know, how disappointing is it when the ending is not good. Good doesn't mean happy ending but good does means contentment to reader's expectation.
Few things I really like about the story are the way you describe the ceiling though it a little thing it gives insights, Emotional state of Mrs Linn while rehearsal was raw and beautiful. Chapters were named after dates that was quite thoughtful and unique.
And most exceptional impression was when Fei narrates how her grandmother chopped her last toe cause her feet looked alike duck feet. It was truly commendable. These few thing makes your story one of the kind.
TOTAL: 50/80
THANK YOU FOR SUBMITTING YOUR WORK TO THE SHIMMER COMMUNITY FOR REVIEW, WE WISH YOUR WORK GREAT SUCCESS -TSC
