Chëpter Foor (Chapter Four)
Thorsday, Janooargen Sexxen (Monday, January 6)
ELZBETH SALAMANDER returned home having experienced horrible things, things that aren't really possible to be made funny, so we're skipping over it.
She shuddered as she sat down in her living room chair and whispered, "I will get my revenge. But first, there's only thing that can make me feel better: a nice sandwich."
Elzbeth made herself a sandwich with cream cheese and mozzarella cheese on rye bread with cucumbers, olives, and Worchestershire sauce. First, she sliced a loaf of fresh bread into equal slices before slicing the cheese and cucumbers. She spread cream cheese on both sides of the bread, and added the cucumbers, olives, and sprinkled it with Worchestershire sauce. She enjoyed the meal, and you can too, by purchasing the The Girl Who Played With the Dragon Tattoo's Nest Cookbook: 1001 Sandwiches, now on sale at your local bookstore.
She ate the sandwich with coffee, and it gave her the strength to go take a shower. She rubbed the soap all over her naked body, reminding herself how small her breasts were. She cursed her small breasts, the root of so many of her problems. Sometimes she wondered if her small breasts had inflicted more trauma on her than her childhood. She also wondered if she had any other physical features at all, since people seemed to be focused on her small breasts so much. But at least her small breasts were Swedish.
After that, she toweled off and went down to the store to get a new computer. She decided on a Macbook Air with 256GB of PCIe-based flash storage, but which she upgraded to the 512GB flash storage. It also came with a 1.4GHz dual-core Intel Core i5 (which she boosted to 2.7GHz) with 3MB shared L3 cache. That sounded very impressive.
As the store clerk rang up the purchase, he said, "You sure know a lot about computers."
"Yes," she said, "I do."
"Have you checked out the new Dell Portra laptops?"
She shot him a harsh look. "Dell? That doesn't sound like an Apple computer."
Elzbeth let out a high-pitched scream.
Two men came running out of a back room and dragged the store clerk away. He was replaced by a new store clerk.
"Sorry," the clerk said. "Of course, no other computers but Apple's exist in this world."
Elzbeth sighed with relief. "Of course."
She returned home with her new computer, and sat down to figure out what needed to be done. She needed a plan, a plan to seek revenge on Rapeman, a way to punish him that would be ironic and set the example for all people who did what he had done.
She got onto the Internet and began using her hacker skills to get into every computer on Earth, because that's totally something a hacker can do. She searched for information on Rapeman, but found nothing incriminating at all. He had never been arrested or charged with any crime. She even used her computer to hack into the records of some of Rapeman's other clients, but found no other accusations of sexual misconduct.
She chewed on her thumb while murmuring, "So it seems that this man has never done anything wrong ever in his entire life, but just suddenly decided to brutally assault me in ways that stagger the imagination. Highly unlikely, but whatever. It just makes it that much harder to stop him. I need to think of a plan."
It took her about three seconds.
She went to the nearest tattoo supply store to get some equipment, and burned a DVD on her Apple Macbook Air with Garage Studio Pro, a wonderful video editing program which allows for multi-stream editing in a variety of formats, available for Apple, only $19.99.
YOU ARE READING
The Girl Who Played With the Dragon Tattoo's NestHumor
Marty Stu Bonkvist, a bed-hopping journalist who totally isn't an idealized version of the author, goes to investigate a forty-year old disappearance. Aided by his sociopathic hacker sidekick Elzbeth Salamander, he taps into a vein of sandwiches, Ap...