Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 2 Episode 37: Dealer Incentive

Tucker and Caboose have Donut surrounded inside the blue base

Tucker: So, they send a female assassin to try and kill us. Clever, but it won't work. We're immune to your feminine wiles. ...Unless you wanna date one of us.

Donut: Female!? I'm not a girl.

Tucker: Tease.

Donut: I just have, light red armor.

Caboose: How is that pink armor anyway? Looks comfortable...

Donut: At first, I really hated it. But it's kinda grown on me. My old armor used to chafe my thighs somethin' aweful. But the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy!

Tucker: Silence woman!

Cut to Sarge addressing Simmons and Grif

Sarge: Good Bhudda's noodle, how could this have happened?

Simmons: It's okay sir. It was a strong plan, Grif's just a dumbass.

Grif: Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex.

Sarge: Settle down, ladies. We need a new strategem, and we need it fast.

Simmons: Donut's sure to crack under the pressure and reveal everything.

Grif: Everything like what, where we keep his tampons?

Sarge: You're right about that, Simmons. The boy doesn't even see the entertainment value in being tortured! Oh these kids today!

Church enters the blue base with Tucker waiting for him

Church: How's it goin', Tucker? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?

Tucker: I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?

Church: Do we have a crock pot?

Tucker: No, Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box.

Church: What was in the mystery box?

Tucker: A hundred and forty jars of mayonnaise.

Church: ...well that's a good trade...

Tucker: Yeah it doubles as a great sunscreen.

Church: How did you- never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds...

Tucker: ...

Church and Tucker: ...

Church: The plan does not involve mayonnaise.

Tucker: Dammit, I knew there would be a catch.

Camera zips around to another part of the blue base, where Caboose and Donut are

Caboose: That was fun. Okay, okay, your turn. Truth, or dare.

Donut: Hmmm, truth!

Caboose: Okay. Tell me, all of the red secret plans!

Donut: Ahaw, you tricked me! You blue guys are so smart. Okay, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is-

Church runs up and inhabits Donut

Donut: Adgibagajabagagagagagagagagagaa!

Church: Caboose! It's me, Church. I possessed this guy so we can... whoo, hey. This pink armor's kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you two guys talkin' about?

Caboose: Ohouw, nothing.

Church: You wanna braid each other's hair?

Cut to Tucker cresting a hill in the Gulch