if i have to see you one more time, this feeling might go away

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idk why this song came up, i haven't thought about it for like 2 years. but i just thought about it rn and foti and thomas' voices are godly in this one, especially when thomas starts riffing :,)

what makes me really sad is the person i used to consider one of my bestest friends is now like a complete stranger, i was watching her story, i barely recognize her, i hardly know anything about her. like sure she still has similar interests as the last time i saw her/talked to her but she's still different. at least with some of my other friends it doesn't feel like much of a change since we were kinda already drifting but it's just really sad.

i'm kinda feeling lovey dovey again for like no reason. like gf, bf, partner, SIGN ME UP. ispy is officially my anthem rn, we love.

for some reason a memory has resurfaced, one that comes every once in a while, he was a kid i knew in middle school. he crosses my mind from time to time, usually when i'm really stressed or really happy. ik he's doing his own thing now, ik he's probably content where he is, i think he joined the football team in high school, but i wish he could know how much he simultaneously ruined and improved my life. he always hated me, i hated him, it was nothing but hateful remarks between us. if he had interacted with me more outside of the one class we had together, i would probably think he bullied me. i would be at home and cry out of frustration or just generally hurting bc of things he'd said to me. but there's one that sticks out to me every time i see myself reach a new milestone on my channel, see someone comment, see someone subscribe, no matter how small, i think about it.

in that class, we had to present a research project about something we were passionate about, he obviously chose football or sports or whatever like the airhead he is. but i chose media, mainly youtube tho. i had been so heavily impacted by youtubers, even dreaming of being one myself, that it was the obvious choice. i had my whole speech prepared, my presentation set up. i even had like 20 youtubers featured, sprinkling in some movies and tv shows in there. i explained the impact they had in awareness, general storytelling, all that good stuff. when i was closing out, i mentioned that they'd impacted me so heavily, that i wanted to be a youtuber myself, hoping to spread the same kindness and happiness to the community as well. and he just had to open his big mouth, he made me feel bad, telling me a bunch of crap i don't feel like remembering rn, i spent the next half of that year privating all my yt videos, taking stuff down, i slowly slipped from the yt fandom, a place that made me feel proud to be myself.

but i got into thomas sanders more, i started watching more youtubers that made me feel happy again, i got back into yt. i began posting videos again, my channel rose (very slowly might i add) and i think about what he said, how terrible it made me feel, he made me feel stupid for liking something, but now i just feel bad for him. how terrible it must be for him to lose his brain in the 100 pounds of fat that escaped into his skull, how it must be to lose brain cells every time he thinks the whole world revolves around his football skills, how he must be so upset with himself to the point that he literally argued with a 12 year old for a whole year. sucks to suck for him right? oh how sad he must be that i couldn't give two craps about him anymore, sorry dude :))

you know what though, he wasn't the only thing that made middle school unbearable, it was also the people who claimed they were there for me, the people i grew up with that never said hi anymore, the people that used to come to me for help that were now picking on me for my life, even the people who had enough balls to pick on me in elementary and to tell me they didn't like me were now being nice to me and asking me for help, times be tough :) there was really only like 5 people i appreciated for not being mean or fake in school.

but enough about elementary and middle school, let's talk about high school. my friends are so near and dear to my heart, my heart will shatter if i'm not allowed to see them for another year or two. like i hope they stay safe and all but i'm so prepared to go back to school and give them all the biggest bear hugs. i don't care if i don't usually hug some of them, i don't care if i feel terrible about my body afterwards (bc yes hugs sometimes initiate that for me unfortunately), all i care about is being with them, spending my last couple of years with them.

oh that reminds me, so y'all know ashley?? a very popular fander, warnadudenexttime?? i knew she was in high school (as most fanders are) but i thought she was like a sophomore or junior shES A SENIOR like she's graduating wHAT fhaklas i frEAKED. isn't Sky the same age?? so she's graduating too?? life is complicated.

by far the most complicated thing is the fact that like 2 or 3 years ago, adri was in high school. wHAT.

and i adore cecily smith from fly by night, it makes me cry and it is so beautiful 10/10 recommend

that's all, love y'all, stay safe, buh bye!!

5/25/20

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