"Damn it!" I groaned as I threw another pair of jeans into the pile of clothes that don't fit me. Over the past few weeks, I've been feeling really down about my image. I even got a tattoo to help myself feel good after everything I tried, but it never worked. I just hate the way I look so much. I hate myself. I wish I was never born! I looked at myself in the mirror, and broke down.
My hair is so broken, and looks like a pile of shit. I hate the way how my jaw looks. I don't like my eyes. My hands are just too fat. My waist appears to be flat only if I hold my breath. My thighs are too big, I can't wear the clothes of my choice. My weight is too embarrassing for me to share with anyone. I hate myself! I hate myself so much I'd like to kill myself if I get the chance!
I couldn't help thinking of all of my imperfections, scratch that, I myself am an imperfection. I'm a flaw. I'm a failure. I watched my reflection on the mirror, and I was so disgusted by the looks of myself. I wonder how Justin, my boyfriend of 4 years is still with me. He's got everything that a girl needs. All the girls in the world would die for him. I'm not enough for him. I don't even deserve to be listed amongst those who deserve to be loved by him. I'm an epic fail! Why does he even love me? There are a million beautiful girls out there. There are so many around him itself in his everyday life. Of all of them why did he choose me? If I was him, and I had a girlfriend like myself, I would've dumped her for sure, because I clearly have everything.
All the girls he's ever dated, they were all more beautiful than me. I'm nothing compared to them. I'm not fit for him. He deserves someone better. Someone who's more beautiful, someone who's image is perfect for Justin. I'm ruining his life. I'm being an obstacle in his life. All of these thoughts flooded my mind, and I slouched down to the ground, with my face in his hands. I sobbed loudly, and cried my eyes and heart out. I need to make his life better. I need to let him go. He deserves someone better than me. I'm so undeserving! I cried loudly, with my back against the mirror in the bedroom, that I and Justin shared.
I heard a door opening and closing, and I knew it was Justin. I heard his angelic voice, cooing in the room for me "Y/n baby, your Jay's home!". "Your Jay?" I whispered to myself, as I wiped my tears from my face, although tears continued to flow down after I heard him say that. "I'm c-coming!" I yelled, trying my best to be normal, not showing him that I cried. I don't want him to know the reason, because he'd be terrified, and disgusted by my story. I'm just going to break up with him when I get the chance, because I know I need to do this for his own good.
I ran down the stairs, and found Justin's face light up as soon as it found mine. I looked away, and I walked towards him. "I missed you baby doll." He said and hugged me tightly. I held onto him tightly, because it might be the last time I ever get to hold Justin in my arms. He tried to kiss me as usual, but I moved away from him, as I said "I gotta make dinner" and rushed into the kitchen, holding back the tears that threatened to fall. He shrugged it off, and agreed. I listened to his footsteps fading, and I let the tears fall free. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I'm so scared, god help me. I started re-heating the food I cooked already, and simply stared at it.
I heard Justin walking down, and into the kitchen. He moved close to me, and wrapped his arms around his waist, as he leaned his head in my neck. His presence made me feel ashamed, and guilty. I slowly pushed his hands away, and continued stirring the pan unwanted. "Baby?" He asked me. "Yes Justin?" I said, and didn't look at him. "Look at me." He said, and I pretended as though I never heard it. "Y/n, look at me." He said, and I didn't lift my head, because I was scared to look at his face. He sighed, and lifted my face to his with his thumb. "Baby girl, did you cry?" He asked me, reading me like an open book. "N-no, I didn't c-cr-cry." I said, looking down. I'm so bad at lying too, my voice cracked, and tears started forming. He was staring at me, and we both knew tears started falling down to the floor. "What does this mean, then?" He said, referring to the tears rolling down. "N-nothing." I answered him, and turned off the stove. I walked into the living room, only to have Justin pull me back to him.