I failed my resurrection, many times.
Just now, as it was this night, a long-prepared chance to grow and change for the better side - it's gone. It's not the first, I missed my opportunity and pulled someone, a most beloved one, back to the mud of fallen life.
I feel I betrayed God and all the good spirits who started to trust again, believe in me, again, step by step, during the last period, since the last failure. It is always harder and harder for them, to rely on me freely, after each disappointment.
It is easy to say after, just a little, even less than last time was missing for the success. Still, a 99% cannot be offered to Heavenly Father. His realm starts when we fulfill our own part 100%. When I fulfill.
I'm sure, He knows it very well, what a tremendous battle is inside these times, He has already taught me with knowledge and wisdom through others. I cannot make excuses. I lost my head, mindset and attitude. I just wanted to be happy, I just wanted everything at once, I just wanted to enjoy and melt into, maybe through the old ways a bit.
Desires are not bad. Passion is not bad. Doing something for me I asking is not bad. Balance. Extreme desires, lust and selfishness are far from God. Out of His ideal. Immature existence with misused knowledge and practice can not belong to the direct realm of Heavenly Father. Being clever after us not enough.
It is true, not God will judge us but ourselves. Now, with clearer mindset, I clearly can point out sine wrongdoings, felt like deadly sins. And if life is with God, then being without Him is death, agony. I pushed Him away, caused Him pain and misused His love, trust.
What can I do?
I said sorry, asked for forgiveness - neither of them could change the feeling of being fallen, again. Like living and seeing the past history, I'm the wrong side, the distance from Heaven, the Heart and Bosom of God is indescribable pain. I paid His love with grief.
We know more about Heavenly Father, ideal world, creation, salvation than any who lived before us. Here, today, I was unable to uphold to basic law of the Universe, the living for the sake of others. I wanted to feel more, knowing 'I was right' - and failed. Despite all the techniques and tactics I let my emotions, immature emotions overcome the Word in me.
I know, life will go on, possibly with many other chances to grow and love, maybe to do things better. Yet the pain I caused feels eternal, and doesn't go away.
Step by step, brick by brick, after each and every prayer and valuable, God-level-resembling deed it can be better, will be better.
I'm sorry, Heavenly Father, I'm truly sorry. I wish I could turn back time, I wish You could trust me, again, soon, now. I wish You could stay and find a place in me to dwell, a spotless, bright, eternal, true part in me.
Please, forgive me, Heavenly Father!
I failed. I want to make it better. Please, try to trust and believe in me, I can do it better, I will try again, and I will make it, I promise You. Please, forgive me!