Darkside

Eighteen

Screaming words. Violence. Everything aching.

Love isn't supposed to be this way, it's never written in scripts like this. The yelling is passionate and desperate, not terrifying and cold. The kissing is full of desire and love, not...whatever this has become.

I've spent my whole life living a mystery, existing in a story than never quite belonged to me. I thought that was hard, I wanted to be the star of the tale for once.

Turns out being in the spotlight isn't nice either.

I need to escape.

I can't escape.

Luvvie will never get away...

***

Orson's body warmth tumbles through my veins, heating up every flushed inch of me, showing me what it's like to have a caring man wrapped around me.

This...this is what love is supposed to be.

Orson doesn't know me. He sees there's a lie and he doesn't care. He's happy to see what I show him.

Maybe he's a mask as well and I'm only getting the surface. Turns out I don't mind either.

Living life with someone is better than being alone.

"Were you having nightmares about your father?" His fingers softly tickle the goosebumps popping up on my forearm. "You were yelling at him in your sleep."

"I don't remember." I really don't. "Maybe."

I suppose my subconscious could be worried about him going through all this again. He lost his wife, never found out what happened to her, now his daughter is gone too in a similar way. Although Mom never left a trace of her behind. There's enough of me for a conclusion to be reached. No one becomes Missing: Presumed Dead so quickly after an incident without good reason.

What will become of my father?

What will become of him?

It's hard to even picture the life I left behind now, never mind envision what it's become. I try. I squint my eyes hard and really have a go, but nothing. It's all just blank.

I might not have left Luvvie behind as much as I'd like to, but my brain is slowly cutting her out like a tumor that I'm not sure I'm quite ready to say goodbye to yet.

"We should go somewhere else." I prop onto my elbow. "I hate my job here, they won't miss me, and you don't have a job yet. We should go somewhere else. On an adventure."

With Orson, it won't feel so much like running away. It'll be starting again. Fresh.

"Sure, whatever you need." He really is a beautiful man, even more so when he smiles. "Where do you want to go?"

A half-memory of a news report floods me. It might've just been my imagination but it's enough to trickle ice down my spine.

"Anywhere but California. The further away from there the better."

This feeling...I think it might be hope. Hope for wherever we stay next, hope for Orson, for us together, for me finally learning what a real love could be.

I just had to get rid of Luvvie to find it.

"I told you I'm in. I'm all in. Whatever you want."

"The ocean," I breathe. "I want to go to the ocean. I never lived by water before and I've always wanted to."

"We can learn to surf, drink cocktails on the sand, live a life others could only dream of." Orson's drifting, imagining it. His eyes are all glazed over. "Get jobs to keep a roof over our heads and take each day as it comes. After the stressful lives we've lived so far, I think we deserve some lazy time, don't you?"

I picture the girl I could be by the ocean. She's different to city Phoenix who's got a chip on her shoulder and a tough outer shell. She's sweeter, more relaxed, she finds life much easier. I want to be her friend, to step into her shoes already. I'm ready to leave this person behind.

"When are we going?" I pinch Orson playfully. "Shall we pack up today?"

"Oh, I'm ready to move whenever you need to, Phoenix." He salutes me. "You're in control. I'm along for the ride."

Wow, for the first time in my life, I'm the one in control.

I like it.

A lot.