She's Gotta Have It

Chapter Nineteen

"Ughhh," Simone groaned loudly, hearing a persistent knock on her apartment door. It was the morning after her, now, infamous twenty-sixth birthday, and there was no other way to describe how she was feeling, except like shit. "Go away." She screamed, sandwiching her face between two pillows. But whoever was at her door was obviously not planning on leaving anytime soon.
She forced herself out of bed and to her front door, opening it to reveal the last person she wanted to see right now.
His eyes seemed pleading, and hers were hard, unforgiving. He reached toward her and she took a step back.
"Congrats." She practically spat out. It was hard for Simone to find any other words for Zee at that moment, aside from ones that she knew would hurt his feelings.
"Stop," he commanded, picking up on her purposeful pettiness.
"Stop what? That's what someone would say to their best friend who's about to be a father, right?" When he didn't answer, she took the opportunity to further interrogate him. "Why're you here anyway?"
By then, he'd made his way past her and into her kitchen, seemingly ignoring her question. He went to grab juice from the fridge, and heatedly, Simone smacked the jug out of his hand.
"What was that for? I'm not cleaning that up."
"You can't just come in here acting like shit is the same." She crossed her arms.
"What has to be different about it, Si?"
Her anger levels were only rising by the second. He knew what would be different about it. She'd known him long enough to know this was his way of coping with really bad situations: pretending there was nothing wrong, until all of the built up confusion inside of him exploded.
"For once, can you just own your shit and stop acting stupid, Zechariah? Please, for your sake and mine. This is not one of our usual fights about something minor. You have a human being coming into this world soon who you have to take responsibility for, so when will you start?"
He walked over and sat in the middle of the loveseat, hanging his head. She didn't follow him. As bad as she wanted to comfort him, this was something she couldn't baby him on, and something that made what she and he had going on, seem almost insignificant. In a less demanding tone, she spoke again. "How do you feel about all of this? Can you start by answering that?"
"I'm scared." Those words surprised her. It was the first time she'd sensed fear in his voice, for as long as she'd known him. "I fucked up, Si, alright? Is that what you wanted me to say? I wasn't ready to be a dad, and now I don't have a choice. I'm having a child by a woman that I.." He stopped, no longer wanting to finish his sentence, but Simone knew exactly what he was gonna say.
He didn't love her.
"So yeah, I fucked up." He stood from his place on the couch and faced her. "And I'm sorry it all happened on your birthday. I had no idea."
"It's cool," she shrugged it off, but she knew it was not cool and she was nowhere near over it. But she also knew this was a time Zee needed somebody in his corner, and above everything else, he was still her best friend. She knew this wouldn't be their last discussion regarding the situation, but for right now, she decided to let it go. "Not to be rude, but I would like to go back to sleep now. After you clean up the mess you made on my floor, you can lock yourself out."
Simone dismissed herself from the living room, leaving Zee alone with his thoughts.
..
"Fuck," Derion whispered under his breath. There he sat, in his car, at the gas station up the road from his and Simone's apartment. The one person he didn't want to see just parked at a gas pump and went into the gas station to pay for gas. "Fuckkkk." He repeated, unlocking his door and getting out. There was no one else with her, and he couldn't possibly let her pump her own gas, not when he was right there.
He walked up to her car and propped himself up on the trunk. He was mad at her. As a matter of fact, mad couldn't even begin to describe what he was at her.
She lied to him. Something he promised himself he'd never accept from a person. Yet he wanted so badly to accept it from Simone.
He loved her, he loved the thought of her, and he loved the thought of them.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Simone's checkerboard vans scraping against the ground. "Hey." Her voice was soft, and he loved it. And he hated that he loved it.
"Hey," he hopped off the car and began to fill up her tank. "Happy late birthday."
"Thanks," she said, playing with her fingernails. He could tell she had a lot to say but didn't want to throw it on him. She continued, "For this, and for pumping my gas."
"It's nothin," he tried to reply casually.
"How's Alayah?" Simone asked, trying to make small talk. She'd filled her tank up with $40 and had just so happened to get the slowest pumping gas tank at the station. They were only passing $4.88 at the moment.
"She's good. We're good." Derion replied, almost bluntly. "And yourself?"
"If you want me to be honest, I feel like shit." She let out, not caring how vulnerable she felt in the moment. She was just glad they were having any kind of conversation. "It's been a lot lately."
"I bet." Derion said. "On all of us." He watched her face sadden again, and her fingers dance faster than before. As mad as he was, he was the type of person who didn't want to add more negativity into a person's life. "Look, I don't wanna fight, Si-"
"I'm not trying to fight," she interrupted, almost desperately. "You don't understand how much I've- I've just needed you. Your presence, your shoulder to lean on.."
He was honestly hurt to have this conversation. He didn't know how to handle the situation, or what his next move would be, and where it would lead him. Seeing as he saw a future with Simone, a sudden change in that plan was causing him to become very confused. One of his biggest fears regarding the situation was that he'd allow it, let it slide, and then it happened again. He'd be hurt again and he didn't want to force himself through that. But a fear that trampled them all was losing Simone. They had grown so close together the last few months. He'd introduced her to his daughter. He had genuine plans for marria-
*Click*
The sound of the gas being completely pumped snapped him back to reality. He placed the pump back in its rightful area and properly secured and closed the gas tank on her car.
"I wanted to be there for you before." He backed away from her a few steps and lost eye contact. "Now? I just don't know anymore. I'll see you around."
He walked the distance back to his car, cranked it up, and drove off.
Once in her own car, Simone slapped her hands over her face, defeatedly. She didn't know what she could do or say to get him to actually hear her. She didn't want to try too hard and push him away, but she also didn't want to try too little and still push him away. Toward the end of her drive home, she realized that although all she'd been wanting is to win him back, that she had probably lost him for good.
..
She knew it was wrong to be here. She knew she wasn't here for the right reasons. But with Derion not speaking to her, and her not wanting to speak to Zee, this was the only person she could go to.
"Hey," Morris' face lit up as he unlocked his front door. He bent down to kiss her lips and even though she thought about rejecting it, she decided against it. One small kiss wouldn't hurt anybody.
But the kisses continued all throughout the night, sometimes as small pecks, and other times, full blown sessions.
Why was this her go to? Why did this, in a way, calm her mind from all the chaos that had been happening over the last few days?
This was bad. In one way, she felt like she had a problem. With sex. With guys. With commitment. She did not feel like a good person. In other ways, she just wanted to believe she was taking her time on making what could become one of the biggest decisions of her life.
All of these men had something special worth admiring, but who was really for her? Who really had her best intentions in mind, who would grow with her, and love her unconditionally?
These were questions that hadn't left her mind for a while now, but she'd definitely been ignoring them as best as she could. Today, in particular, that felt impossible. Simone had no idea who exactly she wanted to be with, but at that moment, she knew it wasn't Morris.
She jumped up from her place on his all black sofa and slid on her shoes.
"I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry."
Taken aback, he jumped up as well. "Wait, what? Simone, what's wrong? Talk to me."
"I am not in love with you," she admitted, and felt something like relief fall over her. It felt like one weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Now she just had one more to go.
Somehow, she knew this next one would be a little bit harder.
..