Standing by the hospital window, I looked over the dull white bedroom painted in yellow by the rising sun. The bed wasn't made, the crumpled white sheets covered a little area on the bed near the footboard while my pillows were on the floor.
I was clutching onto the letter in my hand tightly as I tried to recall past memories that were described in the letter. Memories I could not recall as if they were wiped clean from the event that I had just walked out of.
My head was in deep jumble and tears threatened to escape with lack of membrance of such events. Cherry blossoms? Sunset by the seaside? Late night drinking? I questioned myself and thought harder but nothing, nothing but blankness and for the brief moment I had wondered whether the paper was even addressed to me or some other Leah White.
My heart started racing and the beating started getting somewhat irregular. Sudden heat enveloped and had caged me in suffocation. Nausea was quick to take place as it gushed in and dropping the letter on a little table near the window, I ran to the restroom on my right. I bent a little but chose to go with kneeling down but ended up sitting against the marble and emptied the contents of my stomach. The sight wasn't pretty at all and the heat never left.
With the early morning rampage of mine, I failed to notice Ms. Kim standing at the entrance to the bathroom with a face towel clutched tightly in her hand. Her eyebrows were drawn together and worry was painted all over her face.
"Leah are you alright? You look extremely pale."
I opened my mouth to give her a reply but nothing came out. I lightly massaged my chest and tried standing up from the floor but I was sitting in an uncomfortable position which numbed my legs. So I had to take the support of the wall to stand up.
Nodding in her direction, I walked to the wash basin and turned on the faucet. The running water was calming the heavy thumping of my heart so I stood still and made no movement, breathing in air and hearing the water run.
I dipped my fingertips into the cold stream and my erratic breathing started to fade into short breaths. Ms. Kim didnt move but watched carefully as I started to calmed down. She knew I had learnt to take care of myself and that I wanted to keep things my way.
I had been eager to get rid of the foul taste of my mouth so I reached out and took a hold of my toothbrush in my right and toothpaste in my left hand. I rinsed the brush and squeezed the toothpaste, lathering it on the bristles and quickly put it in my mouth, though not before I re-rinsed it.
The minty flavor was slowly filling senses and the still running water gave me a calm feeling but didnt entirety rid me of the loud thumping of my heart against my chest.
Even though my mouth was all foamy with the paste, I gave her a reply while looking at her reflection in the mirror.
"I'm better than I was yesterday." I said as my voice came out a little muffled and took a little pause and again moved the brush around in my mouth. "It's probably just boredom."
Ofcourse it wasn't a convincing argument but it was the only excuse my mind came up with and the my loud beating rang loudly in my ears which made me awfully aware of the unpleasant situation I had been put into. So I continued brushing my teeth till I was sure I bid my farewell to the nasty flavor and smell.
She opened her mouth to say something, then shut it but decided to speak out anyway.
"Did you take your medicines?"
I smiled internally with that worry laced in her voice. " I had kept them on your night stand." She said finishing in her sweet voice.
Spitting out the blue foam and rinsing my mouth atleast 3 times, I turned around after returning my toothbrush to its place, shutting off the water and took the hand towel that she had extended my way.
"I may have forgotten. Why?"
If only I had known better, that sarcasm doesn't always make the atmosphere better but I could feel the tension had slightly faded away. Afterall she knew how badly I wanted to get out of this place. I didnt want to live this white life of a white hospital anymore.
Ms. Kim gave me an approving nod before walking out of the restroom. I wiped my hands hurriedly and followed out behind her, lightly shutting the door behind me. The towel was still in my hand and just as I was headed to the table to hide that letter I had dropped, my try went in vain as she was quick to reach first.
She had picked up the paper before I could even stop her or protest against her reading it.
I cut her off before she could complete the sentence because I knew what was coming next. Her bright eyes skimmed along the words on the paper but said nothing.
No. Not now.
"You've got work yeah? Cassie, you should go check up on her."
I tried changing the topic as she read further but heat spread across my cheeks in a pleasant way and the thumping of my heart was back which was also pleasant.
She started laughing and luckily enough decided to not give my poor soul a hard time. She dropped the letter in the table and gave me a smile and walked out with that smiling face or rather a mysterious grin, leaving me with the now open letter, a medical slip under the inked paper which appeared out of no where and my thoughts.
I walked further into the bedroom and grabbed a glass of cold water to chill my nerves which were on fire, not just heat and dropped the towel on the bed before walking to the window again.
The sun had risen higher and I soaked in the warmth. The only thing that could be heard in the room was the clock on the side table. I took in view the tall building gave over the city. I could see people walking in and out of the hospital. Some people were driving rashly, some slowly to some place and some walking their dogs which was weird since it 8 in the morning and was the time of office hours.
I sighed thinking of the long day ahead of me as willingness to go through it was a far cry in my books. The things that had taken place just now had started replaying in my mind.
"Why me? I can't do this. Not anymore"
Wetness slowly started to spread across both my cheeks as tears streamed down my face. I looked up to the clear blue sky with a now blurry vision, my heart physically hurt by the burden that I had imposed on myself and tears never stopped.
"Why can't I remember?"