PROJECT NIRVANA | ONC2020 ✔️

Chapter 18.

Avron and I sat in our living room aimlessly scrolling through the T.V.

Kasey had been disappointed by our decision to end the celebration early, but after hearing the sadness in my voice, she didn't push the matter too much. However, she had made sure to reschedule it to a later date when I returned to my normal self.

But I wasn't sure who my "normal" self was. Was it the me who had content in the beginning, bothered by little except the occasional glitch? Or was it the me who had discovered the truth, distancing me from everything I had ever known? I flicked through random channels trying to find something to distract myself.

"We need to talk," said Avron.

"What do you mean?" I asked . "We already "talked."

"I didn't mean it when I said I wanted us to break up," Avron said. "It was a rash thing to say and I'm sorry."

I ignored his apology. He might have changed his mind now, but in that moment, he'd meant it.

He'd actually wanted to end his relationship with me, wanted me to disappear from his life. I wasn't sure whether I could pretend that everything was okay and that I had gotten over it.

"We can't really "break up," I said. "We're married now, remember? But we can always divorce."

Maybe I was just being childish and wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me.

"I think we just need some time away from each other," said Avron. "So we can sort things out."

I nodded, not taking my eyes off from the T.V. "I think you're right."

"Are you sure?" Avron asked. "I won't leave if you tell me not to."

I switched off the television and turned to face him.

"I think it's the right thing to do," I said. "Always trying to be considerate of each other, makes it hard for us to grieve properly. I can't even cry about my dad, because it'll make you feel bad."

"Then let's do that," said. Avron. "Until we're able to not feel too sorry towards each other."

I wasn't sure how long it would take for us to heal and return to those days when the past had played no part in our evaluation of the other. I wished I had cherished the past more as well as my obliviousness to reality. I just knew that I wouldn't give up; it seemed futile after how far we'd come.

That night, I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, a sense of peace washing over me as I realized that we had overcome one of the hurdles. Or at least we were in the process of overcoming it. Just weeks before, I never would have imagined myself falling for Avron, much less fighting for my relationship with him.

I had always prided myself in always keeping a cool, calm demeanor, but this situation had made me realize that it was okay to be passionate sometimes, whether it was a negative or positive emotion. I didn't have to live life just going through the motions.

I had thought that I was involved in my life and family but I had actually been detached from everything. Even the paintings which I thought had come from my soul, were just products of precision and carefully executed technique.

I felt Avron wrapped his arms around me and I rolled over to hug him back. The scent of his body-wash tickled my nose and I pressed my face closer to his chest. I could hear his heart beating to a steady rhythm, one that mirrored mine. It felt like the only sound that existed in the silence of the night.

Avron buried his face in my hair, running his fingers through the curls. "I don't think I could give up on us," he said.

I pulled away for a second to smile at him. "Me neither."

Avron smiled back at me for what felt like the first time in a while. Then he bent down to gently brush his lips against mine. I pulled myself closer to him and he grabbed hold of my chin, tilting my head back to deepen the kiss.

I kissed him back, savoring the moment and wishing that it would never end. For once I wished that tomorrow wouldn't come and that I could only exist in the present.