𝑬𝑼𝑷𝑯𝑶𝑹𝑰𝑨 [𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒕𝒔]

till the end | xanskies

ship: xanskies
requested: no but you hoes need to start requesting
notes: what? me projecting my own thoughts own my favorite characters? pfft.

in which diego and kimetrius smoke together and he admits some things

tw: suicidal thoughts

diego's pov

i sighed at i finally felt the tears stop. i felt numb. it felt like all i could do these days is cry. it feels like my only thoughts these days were bad.

i felt so trapped in my own head. my thoughts wrapped around my head, constricting it until i'm numb. it's like nothing hurts me anymore. nothing surprises me. my life is shit, and nothing's going to change about that.

the only good thing i had was kimetrius. he's my light, the only person who hasn't abandoned me. who hasn't left me in the dust, to hurt and drown in my own thoughts.

he distracts me from this mess i call my life. he allows me to forget that i'm depressed for a few hours. he takes the weight off of my chest.

and that's why i'm in love with him.

he doesn't know, obviously. and even if he did, he wouldn't want me. why would he want a depressed freak like me?

my phone vibrates on my bedside table and i pick it up.

kimetrius😜 is calling...

i quickly answer. "kim?" i hear his smooth deep voice answer me.

"hey, di. you free right now? just hit my dealer and i got a lil some, if you tryna smoke."

i smile. i like that he's thinking of me.

or maybe i'm just the worst case scenario.

i push that thought out of my head and answer him. "yeah, sure. come over, the door's open."

"bet." he said, before hanging up.

i sigh, and flop back on my bed. part of me doesn't wanna be around people today, but kimetrius is always the exception.

i clean up a little before i hear a car door close. kimetrius walks in, Skilling at me and holding a tin.

he sits down on couch, placing the tin on the table. "pre-rolled." he says, before pulling out his black lighter.

i laugh softly before grabbing a blunt, putting in to my lips. he reaches up and lights it. he grabs his own and lights that, too.

we sit together, smoking and talking about the most random shit.

"bro," kimetrius says, the most dazed look on his face. "if you think about it, no one has ever been inside an empty room." i giggle, that small thought seeming like the funniest thing to me.

he smiles, his face lights up at the sound of my laugh.

"you cute, you know?"

"w-what?" i say shocked. he...he thinks i'm cute?

he doesn't answer, he just takes another drag of his blunt. i don't bring it up again, and i let thoughts run through me head.

"you think it would hurt if i jumped off a building?" i say, not realizing i'm spilling my thoughts.

i can't stop myself though, i'm not in control of what i say when i'm high.

kimetrius looks at me weird, but says nothing.

"i wonder if it would be quick, if it would even hurt at all."

he looks shocked, but again, doesn't speak.

"i wonder if anyone would miss me. would anyone even notice?"

"are you okay, diego?" he finally asks. i give broken laugh.

"no, not at all."

i feel myself being pulled into his warm strong arms, and i break down. everything i've been holding in for months is finally coming out. and i can't stop it.

my mind shouts at me, screams to pull away, that i don't deserve this.

burden

burden

burden

it's the only thing i can think of. i'm just a burden, i shouldn't weigh other people down with my own problems.

he shushes me, rubbing my hair and cooing softly in my ear. "you not a burden, di. you my friend. i love you."

i sob harder at that. he cares. someone actually cares.

i eventually stop crying, my eyes red and my face along with it. he keeps repeating the same phrase to me.

"you not a burden. i love you, diego. i really fucking love you. i don't want you to die."

i sniffle, and pull back to look at his face.

"y-you mean that?"

he smiles. "of course i do. why would i want the love of my life to just leave me like that?" i freeze. love of his life? me?

"yeah, you," he says, i must've said that out loud. goddammit.

"i...i love you, too." i whisper, like it's a secret that can only be kept between us. he cups my face, and pulls me in for a kiss. it's soft and warm and safe. it's freeing, and i finally feel alive.

we pull away, and he immediately pulls me into his chest.

"you not leavin' me, mamas. and i ain't leavin' you either. we gon be together, till the end."

i link his hand with mine, nodding into his chest. "till the end."

i'm starting to lose even more reasons to stay alive.

-maya 💙