Take Two

5║Blame Game

F I V E; 

When someone close to you dies, it feels like you're heart is ripped out of your chest and stomped on repeatedly. There isn't a part of you that doesn't hurt and you cry so much that you think you'll never be able to cry again.

This isn't the type of pain that goes away either, its there- tucked away, waiting for the day that something triggers it. It's a raw pain that can hit you when you least expect it, you can be doing something as simple as grocery shopping when you see something that reminds you of them and suddenly you can't breathe because it hurts so bad.

My eyes had finally fluttered shut the night that Carter had dropped me off at home when it smelt it. I knew that smell; I had smelt it more times than I could count. It was Mark's cologne.

It wasn't long before the aching feeling hit me; it started in the back of my throat and slowly spread up to behind my eyes. It didn't take much until the aching feeling hurt so much that I began dry heaving and moments later my mother was in the room, her arms wrapped around my shoulders as I tried my hardest to catch my breath.

"You're okay," She whispered, her face buried into my shoulder as her one hand stroked my hair, "Shh, Zoe. You're alright."

Eventually I was able to breathe normally and the aching feeling slowly subsided.

My eyes drifted to look at my mother, who had stopped with the comforting words but was still holding me. I felt so safe in her arms that for that night I just let her hold me.

She was one of the only people who truly understood my pain, and she knew that at that moment all that I needed was to feel her arms around me. It didn't take long before my eyes fell shut and I was asleep.

║

The coffee shop became somewhat of a safe haven for me over the following weeks. When I was stressed, I went to West Side. When I was upset, I went to West Side. When I was confused, I went to West Side.

When I had woken up this morning I hadn't felt anything. Instead, I just felt empty. Incredibly, incredibly empty.

So, I decided to go to West Side.

I had become a regular here, so I wasn't surprised when I walked in the waitress gave me a smile and a kind hello instead of asking what I would like to order. It had become routine, I went and sat in the corner booth and she brought the drink over to me.

I was settling into the booth when I felt a presence at the end of the table; I looked up and sucked in a sharp breath. Standing at the end of my table was Thea, Mark's-Actually; I didn't know what to call her. They had been dating for nearly two years when Mark had died. She was absolutely devastated. Yet calling her his girlfriend seemed morbid.

"Hi." She gave me a soft smile, if Thea was one thing, it was kind. She was so incredibly kind that it almost hurt me when I started turning her away. One day, a week or so after Mark passed; I just stopped answering her calls. I hadn't seen her since the funeral.

"I didn't expect to see you here." Thea said, tucking a strand of her straight blond hair behind her ear. "I-Um, I've been coming here since-Um, you know." She cast her eyes towards the counter in obvious discomfort, "I was a little shocked to see someone sitting in this booth because-"Thea stopped talking suddenly and her eyes slowly came back to mine, "Can I sit down?"

I simply nodded. I didn't know what to say to her, I never really knew what to say to her. She loved Mark in a way that I could never understand because I had never experienced that kind of love, and I had no idea how it felt to have that love taken away from you.