Chapter 4

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  • Dedicated to to my nanny who saved me

***sorry this is late I've been studying for a big test the past couple of days but I will be posting on Saturday!***

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~As the secrets of my mothers past and present addiction unravel I find myself remembering all the signs. Why didn't I know? I should have realized something was really wrong? I should have know something was strange when she would go out around 8pm on a school night and not come home until after 2am. I should have realized this was the reason she hasn't had a stable job since I was in 2nd grade. I should have told someone.

The more I think the more I cry, the more I cry the more i hate her, and the more I hate her...the more I hate myself.

It's 3:00am and I can't sleep. Every memory of my mother keeps replaying in my head but instead of me laughing and her hugging me, im crying and she's shooting up. I've crude so much that I can only whimper, and I probably can barely do that. Everyone in my house is asleep and I go downstairs to my moms old room. It's dark and empty. Nothing relating to her remains in here, except my whole childhood. I sit in the middle of the room and wrap myself in a blanket and stare into the black hole surrounding me, all my thoughts vanish and I finally fall asleep.

The next morning it's takes me a few minutes to recollect myself and figure out where I am. I go upstairs and sit at the table that and wait for my nanny to give me a cinnamon roll, "where were you?" She asks as she sets my plate down.

"I fell asleep downstairs." I say.

"Where? On the floor? Why?"

"Moms old room. Yes. And I just couldnt sleep in my bed, but I don't know why moms old room." I answer honestly. She doesn't believe me though.

"Sweet heart, you're allowed to be upset. " She says and walks out of the room.

It all comes back to me; It hits me like a bus. Everything about last night, all the tears, words, memories, emotions. I totally forgot everything. How could I forget that? A tear suddenly hits my cinnamon roll I've been staring at, and I get up and walk away.

My nanny has resumed her normal spot in her bed watching TV with her 2 cats and dog when I join her. When she sees the tears convering my face she pulls me close and whispers, "I'm sorry Nikki. Everything will work out." i just close my eyes and try to forget again.

The worst part is I believe her.

I wake up to the sound of my mother. When did I fall asleep? I don't want to get up and have her see me cry and feel pain. It bothers me enough that my nanny has seen it all since last night I don't need her to see it too.

"Erin she has a right to know. You should have seen her last night. She knew before I told her." My nanny says.


"She most certainly does. She told me she's noticed how you're always asleep and how's she's seen you stealing pills from my dresser in the morning when I'm asleep, which by the way we will definitely be discussing later. She knew Erin. She didn't know the details but she knew." My nanny says so mellow.

I decide to get up and "go to the bathroom" when I see the door is closed. I walk in and flush the toilet hoping they'll hear it and come into the room. I turn the TV on and await the entrance of 2 very pissed off women. When they finally come my mother walks in first followed by my nanny and all the animals. "Hey sweetie." she says gentle, as if she's scared she'll break me, but jokes on her I've been broken for a long time, just no one knew. I ignore her and continue to watch TV. It's really hard for me not to wrap my arms around my mom and crying into her shoulder, but I can't let her see me like that now.

She decides she's going to leave and try's to kiss my forehead but I move away. I can tell I crushed her, and I feel the pain in my own body but I shrug it off. when I hear the front door close I feel my legs give out and I'm on the floor tightly squeezing my knees to my chest balling. I want to pop my body so I squeeze tighter but nothing happens, except relief washes over me.

When my nanny takes me to my dads no one talks in the car but as I get out I feel a feather on my arm and look over and see my nanny's hand, when did she become so fragile? "You can always call me. Don't be afraid to let it out Nikki!" She says slowly to make sure I catch every word. All I can bring myself to do is nod and shut the car door.

"Hey how was your moms?" My dad asks as soon as I walk inside. It was too soon and 2 tears fall and I run upstairs. I know my dad will be right behind me but I try to slam my door anyway because it's the thought that counts. I jump onto my bed and cry into my pillows totally aware my dad has entered the room and closed the door behind him. When he places his hand on my back I turn around and bury my face into his shoulder. This is the first time I tell myself I'm lucky I'm here with my dad. This is the first time I realized he's the good one. I feel like a little kid who just fell and scraped my knee except, instead of falling I've jumped off a bridge into deep water and, instead of scraping my knee i shattered my heart. No actually she did. "I'm sorry daddy! I love you. " Is all I can manage to say, and he squeezes me tighter and I know he knows that I know, and I know he's pissed but I don't care. All I want right now is to feel safe.

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