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Chapter 5

A Student
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Chapter 5

Mr. Capriole is the first voice I hear telling me to calm down. I hear questions, voices, comments, nothing of interest. I want to cry because I was weak enough again to let the horrors in. I had this under control, I was alright just a few minutes ago. Why?

"Baby girl?"

Yes, you, I'm looking for you. I crawl towards the voice until I touch him. Alec. Warm in flesh and blood. "I touched her," I remind myself of what he said, of how I ended being a disappointment. Yet I can't help it and crawl back to him, because he's been the only one to never look me in shame.

He doesn't command me to breathe, which I'm very glad for. Yet I can't help it I'm gasping for air, my chest aches and my lungs fill with needle-like oxygen. My limbs are weak at my sides and all I hear is Alec whisper in my ear random shit.

"Don't ever come to my arms, you are a shame," I hear in my head. It never goes away, the fact I've always been a shame. He always told me I was, he reminded me every day we talked.

"Come back to me baby girl," and I do.

I breathe again and weakly lean on Alec for support. He strokes my hair then kisses my forehead. "What just happened to her?" I hear him ask.

I start to hum, it helps me calm down. I am suddenly so tired I can't even think of what to hum. Whenever I think of the scene I've made I just want to convert into a cocoon. Or an armadillo. Heck even a fucking bird and migrate far away.

"Last time it happened was in Sophomore Year," explains Mr. Capriole.

I lay my head on Alec's shoulder. He can leave me, just not yet. I know he wants to get away, that's why he added the touching part in the conversation. I won't ask why for it'll only cause me another small anxiety attack. But it hurts, and it hurts even more that I am clutching to someone emotionally, to someone who doesn't want me near. I have tears in my eyes and all my attention drifts to my wrists. Alec, no one has to know, I need to let some pain out.

I have to.

"I'll take her to the nurse office," says Alec.

I see the wheels of a wheel chair rolling into the room. "I'll take care of it," says the nurse. She knows the bad behaved Alec, but I know the one that's good. He just needs someone to know him and stop expecting bad boy behavior. Treating him like a bad guy before even greeting him. He's done bad things, but haven't we all? I mean even I skipped class willingly to cuddle.

"No," says Alec not up for any arguments.

He picks me up my legs around his waist and arms around his neck. I'm tired and sleepy, but I can't put my mind to rest. Alec rubs the nape of my back slowly causing me to shiver and breathe easier. He smells like manly shampoo and cologne and just so good it's addicting. "You're going to sniff me away," he says laughing entering the nurse office.

"Scan in," commands the nurse.

"Fuck the scanning procedure," says Alec and takes me to one of the rooms in the back.

The room is really small and dark with a small table and a bed covered with a plastic bedspread. I can't even tell what color the wall is from how dark it gets.

I start to breathe heavy. The voices will come back and whisper bad things. Accuse me of failure. And the sad thing is, they're always right. Voices from far gone memories, when I used to be a neon glowing flower of joy.

Alec lays me in bed and sits at the end of the bed. "Don't leave me alone," I whisper hoping I don't sound too clingy. His hand grasps my ankle and promises to stay with me until I fall asleep.