Hunting Sunsets

Twenty Six

I know it was shallow, but it felt weird being in Smith's apartment alone with him and knowing sex wasn't even a possibility. That didn't mean we had sex whenever we were alone but we were friends with benefits after all so sex was usually on the table even if it didn't happen. And honestly it didn't always happen because Smith and I were friends. We could stand each other without going at it like rabbits.

The point is I know things had changed between us.

I sat on a barstool at Smith's island in his small apartment, the only real place to eat besides his livingroom. Regardless, it was a nice, Morse are and clean apartment that he was lucky enough to get paid for by his parents. With all the money they saved on his free tuition, they were able to house him off campus without struggling. It was a blessing considering the NCAA made it kind of impossible for us to get jobs. That, and Smit was a graduate student so he didn't want to live on campus.

I sat on the dark stained wood with my feet on the rungs, elbows on the white countertop stone. Smith set down a glass of rye whisky, having offered me one when I arrived unannounced, already nursing his own. He sat down across from me, biceps flexing as he crossed them on the counter in a relaxed fashion, leaning on his right side slightly more.

Smith didn't hesitate to stare me straight in the eye, waiting for me to speak first. When I didn't say anything after a few moments, looking down at my rocks glass and swirling my finger around the lip of the glass.

"Did you come here to stare at me or talk?" His deep voice hit my ears like a freight train. I wanted Smith so badly but I couldn't have him. I just needed to fix this between us.

"I don't like the way our conversation ended the other day," I said with pursed lips, looking up at him when I was done talking. Smith stared back at me, his familiar face unchanged. Usually his looks seemed intimidating to others but I could suddenly see it in the same way I saw his kindness, all on the same harsh features. I loved the way he looked and I couldn't get my mind off of him. It felt impossible to see myself with anyone else but I had a family to protect for Jake, and Smith's sake.

"And?" He asked, not unkindly. "I've said everything I've wanted to. Unless you have more to add, I don't really know what you want me to say, May."

"Why were you acting like that at lunch?" I couldn't help but ask him.

"Because you kept looking at me like you were scared." Smith took a sip of the whisky in his glass, tasting the smooth flavor before continuing where I failed to. "I respect your decision. I don't agree even remotely, but I respect it."

I wanted to tell Smith he was all I wanted, but that would be rude and selfish of me. This entire situation was shitty but I was starting to realize that either way our relationship would never be the same. God, I could go back three months I never would have gone on that first date with Jade. Smith and I still would have faced the music eventually but maybe not like this.

"I just want my best friend back," I whispered. I couldn't look him in the eye. "I want to go back to how it was before all of this mess. I want to see you and know there's no guilt for either one of us. I want to spend time with you and known that it isn't harming anyone. I want to be with you."

"This isn't a perfect world, Maeve. In all honestly it fucking hurts to be rejected and maybe I need time to get over it, but I'm always here for you and I always will be. Jade was an excuse for me to push my feelings away and now I just have to for the sake of us."

"We were platonic for almost a year and then again for three months. We can do it again," he continued, eyeing my face carefully for even the slightest reaction. I didn't like the way Smit was looking at me, his face hopeful and kind like I could do no wrong. I wanted Smit to scream at me and tell me I was an idiot, that this was all my fault. At least then I would feel justified in my guilt and awkwardness. Smith deserves better than me but I could see in his eyes that he would throw himself into a fire for me. I hated it. I couldn't make up my fucking mind and I couldn't put him first. Smith should cut his losses and take me out of his life while he had the chance.

Deep down I knew that was the last thing I wanted.

As I offered a small smile, brushing my light hair behind my ear as Smith watched me with a  relaxed loop on his slightly parted lips. There was a thought hidden behind his dark eyes and I dared to think of what it was. Perhaps it was simply my own thirsty mind craving something that could never be.

I would never get what I truly wanted, but this would have to do