Dark Phoenix | ✓

chapter 44

I tentatively unfold the paper, reading the first few words. The date is what I am drawn to first, scribbled into the corner like he was in a hurry.

11/11/2019

Lonnie, I'm sorry.

Oh god, it was a letter. It was his suicide letter. His confession.

My throat constricts, tightening as I try to swallow. This couldn't be real. There was no way. How had no one found this in all the months since Nix died?

I suck in a breath, tears already beginning to hit the paper. Some of the words smudge. I close my eyes tightly, giving myself a moment before I begin to read it.

11/11/2019

Lonnie, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I won't be there to explain it to you.

When you hear the news, I know you won't understand. But it had to be done. It was inevitable. It was something they told me to do. The voices.

At first, I'd been able to control them. They told me all the time to let them free but I controlled the urges. But I can't anymore. I need to listen to them. It's becoming too painful.

Lonnie, the voices are loud, they consume me. They tell me to fix the world. Some people aren't right for this world and I need to fix that. I need to listen to the voices.

I thought about explaining it to you, but how? They told me I shouldn't. They wanted me to keep it to myself. I kept it to myself for so long but now I can tell you. Now that I have fixed the world, I can tell you.

The letter begins to crackle in my hands as I ball my fists. I was shaking violently and it couldn't be stopped. I didn't know if I could read on. It felt deeply personal to be reading Nix's thoughts, to finally have an understanding into his world.

But his world was dark. It was consuming. The distraught crafting of this letter shatters me to the core. I had never seen this side of him. This broken, fragile side.

I couldn't picture him writing this, yet I'd never misplace his unique handwriting.

Imaging him writing this makes my heart ache. I see him, leaning over his desk the morning it all happened, writing profusely fast. His thoughts consuming him as he rushed to get out his feelings.

Today, everything will be different. You're my sister and you will get to see the change that I bring. The voices tell me that I am helping everyone.

They're so loud, though. It's consuming. I can't think about anything else. So, it ends today. I'll fix the world and end it all.

Lonnie, I'm sorry. You're my best friend but the voices...the voices are loud.

I have to go now. Everything is changing.

Head up, little sis. Everything will be different now.

Nix.

I'm shaking so hard that I can't stop. I bite into my bottom lip, drawing blood. "Oh god. Oh god."

This couldn't be real. I was lucid dreaming, stuck in my worst nightmare. I couldn't escape the car, trapped in a world full of darkness.

How had this been his secret his entire life? How could he have kept this from me?

I scream, throwing the paper to the passenger seat. A sob rips through me. My body shakes violently.

Nix was ill. He was mentally ill and could have been helped. With the right treatment, he could have been supported. But there was no guarantee that he could ever be stopped.

"This isn't my fault," I stammer.

Nix died because he couldn't ask for help.

"This isn't my fault," I repeat. I want the words to register with me, showing me that I knew this wasn't my fault.

Nix died because he thought he wasn't in control.

"This isn't my fault."

Nix died because he didn't tell anyone the truth.

"This isn't my fault."

I couldn't have stopped him. I couldn't have known the truth. Nix had always been good at hiding things. I couldn't have known he'd do this. I couldn't have known he needed help.

"This isn't MY fault," I scream into the car, willing the words to stick in my brain.

I couldn't have predicted this. I couldn't have stopped this.

"This isn't my fault," I croak, my throat sore.

I suddenly realise that loving Nix, it didn't make me a horrible person. I loved the Nix I knew, the one I believed in. The real Nix was someone I didn't know, someone who was dealing with so many demons on his own.

Something begins to lift within me. I feel like this is it, the final step. For months I had believed that Nix hadn't left anything behind but here it was.

I would never condone what he did because it was a terrible tragedy. I would never forgive his actions. But I felt that maybe I could begin to forgive myself.

I could live with the knowledge that I couldn't have stopped Nix. He was a ticking time bomb. His illness was the catalyst, but his actions were his own. I couldn't blame the illness for his actions entirely because that was unfair on anyone who suffered who didn't hurt people.

He was sick and I wish I could have saved him. I wish things could have been different but they can't. The past was the past. I needed to focus on my future.

My chest seems to lighten as if everything was being lifted. I wipe my eyes, staring out of the windshield.

"I'm sorry you thought you couldn't ask for help," I whisper into the car. "I wish you could have trusted me enough. I would never have judged you."

I stay seated in the driveway for a long time, stray tears trailing down my cheeks as I stare numbly at the house.

I may never be able to change what happened with my brother, but at least I could create my own future. A future where he didn't consume my mind with grief. A future where I wouldn't let past mistakes define me.

I place the keys in the ignition with steady hands and reverse out the driveway, the house becoming smaller and smaller until it's just another distant memory.