Chapter 33: New Delhi Nightlife

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When it was time for the Big Wish wrap party, Kim changed into something a little slinkier and then headed over to the hotel. 

Inside, the place was bumpin’. Ram, holding court with his elite team of film-making professionals, gave Kim a big smile and hug when he saw her. They did some Industry Talk, then Kim Ordered a Round and Did A Shot with Rani. Ram and Rani didn’t hang around for long--they had another film shoot to get to that night. Bollywood was no joke. They filmed an entire trilogy in the time it took Kim to decide on a new pair of shoes. 

Kim said goodbye to them and then made the rounds at the party. Socialize, Take a Break, Pose for Pictures, Get Comfy, Meet & Greet, Schmooze, blah blah blah. It was fine but she kind of felt like: you’ve been to one event you’ve been to them all. There was a kind of same-ish-ness to these parties that was starting to wear on her. Sometimes it felt like the only thing that ever changed was the furniture. 

She stood off to the side for a while, scrolling through the dozens of selfies she’d taken with Tiny Monkey that day. This made her feel even more lonely. She looked around for Other Kim, to see if she wanted to get Hors D'oeuvres or The Good Stuff or something. Kim found Other Kim canoodling with some guy in a dark corner of the hotel. The guy had overly swooshy hair. He looked kind of familiar but Kim couldn’t place him, with all men looking alike and being just kind of generally loathsome. She left them alone to do whatever grossness they were doing.

Kim half-heartedly tried Busting A Move but then she was like Ugh, who cares about this party. I could be hanging out with Tiny Monkey one last time before I have to go back to the States. 

Kim walked outside into the humid night air and was immediately attacked by a shrieking, skeletal harpy with hollow eyes and a skirt dyed in blood. 

It was Willow Pape.

“OMG!” Willow screamed, shoving Kim forcefully. “Who the eff do you think you are?”

Kim was totally caught off guard. What was Willow Pape doing in freaking India? And what she screaming about? Kim quickly righted herself.

“I am Kim Kardashian,” Kim said, taking out her phone. “And if you touch me again I will carve my name into your skin to help you remember.”

Dark, tumultuous storm clouds immediately appeared above both Kim and Willow’s heads. A crowd of people started to gather around the two celebrities, interested to see what was clearly about to go down. 

“Keep your name out of my mentions, gutter trash,” Willow said. “And stay away from my boyfriend or you’re going to be the one getting carved up.”

“Okay bye,” Kim said. “I’m not anywhere near your boyfriend, ever.”

“LIAR!” Willow screamed. “I know he’s here in New Delhi with you. You obviously cast an enchantment spell on him. You’ve been seeing him behind my back for weeks. I found one of your gross ratty hairs in our bed.” Willow held aloft a single, long strand of what looked an awful lot like Kim’s hair. 

“You’re deranged,” Kim said. “That could be anyone’s. It’s probably from your armpit.” 

“Test it if you’re so sure,” Willow said.

Kim did not want to be part of this conversation but they were surrounded by onlookers now, many of whom were filming with their phones. She couldn’t back out of this. 

“Fine,” Kim said. She held her phone up and shot the Microscope emoji at the hair. It was true. Kim couldn’t believe it. It was hers.

“This doesn’t prove anything,” Kim said. 

“Ummm yeah it does,” Willow said. “It proves you’re a liar and a slut, Kim Whoredashian.”

Kim invoked the Knife emoji and a dozen knives immediately appeared, hovering in formation around her, ready to launch themselves at Willow on her command. “Mind your tongue, Willow Pape, lest you find yourself separated from it.”

“LOL okay,” Willow said. She invoked the Raised Fist emoji and a dozen hands appeared, each one grabbing one of the knives and sending it clattering to the ground.

“My power grows stronger than yours, and you know it,” Willow said. “You can’t come at me directly so you thieve your way into my boyfriend’s heart. You are common and low and I will see to it that you never make it to the A-list! You have taken something from me, so I will take everything from you! Buh-bye!” 

Willow cast the Volcano emoji and the ground began to shake, throwing Kim and the people nearby off balance. When they got back to their feet and the smoke had cleared, Willow was gone. 

The fight over, the crowd began to disperse. Kim wasn’t sure what to do. Willow had gotten the better of her and she was furious. She was too amped up to go back into the party. She walked back over to the courtyard to hang with Tiny Monkey, but he was gone. There was only a tiny banana peel laying where he’d been. 

“Screw India,” Kim said, and left for the airport. 

She had used too much energy in her battle with Willow to travel by emoji, so she bought a plane ticket and flew back to Miami. Okay now she wished she had that private jet; she had some pent-up aggression she wouldn’t mind taking out on that pilot, sexually or otherwise. 

Instead she sat stuck in first class like a regular person. The woman next to her had brought her emotional support pig on the plane and it smelled violently offensive. 

It was a long flight to Miami. Kim replayed her scene with Willow over and over again in her mind. Kim had tried to act like Willow in her movie earlier that day, thinking it might help her understand Willow’s motivations better. She realized now how misguided she had been. The more she learned about Willow the less she understood her motivations. Willow was just crazy, pure evil, the end. It was misguided to think they could find some middle ground. Their relationship would only ever end one way. 

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