I don't trust myself

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Chapter four; I don't trust myself

Monicas' POV

I couldn't find Emily anywhere outside so I had to walk home. It was a long walk and I didn't get home till a few hours later but there was no way I was staying in that house with him. I went straight up to the shower and washed all the make up away. I tried to wash the pain away but it just wasn't going away. Why were my feelings so strong for Devon? I mean he's absolutely stunning, but I feel something more. Something that isn't even normal.

I put on my old top that I wore only to bed and some trackies. No one was home. Dad was probably at work in a different country, he never bothered to tell me. Dan was probably at the party I just came from. I wasn't tired. I was confused and awfully lonely. Oh my god. I can't believe it. I had completely forgotten about Jason. Why am I such a horrible girlfriend! I'm going to call him right now.

"Hey babe, weird I was just about to call you. How come you ditched the party?" He asked.

"Well I was there and I couldn't find you, and eh I was tired so I came home." I told him. Just leaving out a few things.

"Oh babe, I'll be there in 5." He hung up.

Jason was so sweet. Such a good guy, he left the biggest party in the year that he planned at his own house to come and keep me company at my house. Then here I am crying about another guy being with someone else. Why should I care anyway?! Eh I hate this.

Ding ding ding.

Must be Jason. I ran to the door grinning away then I opened the door.

"What are you doing here!" I gasped.

"Isn't it obvious? I came here to see if you were okay. Jeez." He told me.

"Excuse me! EXCUSE ME! Don't you dare pretend to care for me! Your nothing but scum! SCUM!" I was so angry I couldn't stop.

 I just wanted to punch him, then get a bat and hit him over the head, or maybe get a knife and stab him, or even better..... WOAH. That is not me, I don't hurt people physically. What's wrong with me? It's almost like when I'm near him the bad side of me comes out. It's strange really. 

"Uh, I'm sorry?" Devon looked a little taken back.

I took deep breath.

"Okay, I'm sorry I got carried away. I have a boyfriend and I love him very much. It was stupid to get jealous over you alright." I told him.

He seemed to only hear one word because he was smirking.

"Jealous aye?" He winked. "May I come in?"

"Uh, well.. um, no. Sorry you can't come in. I am busy, and eh Jason is coming over soon." I smiled.

"So you don't trust me enough in your house? You think something might happen?" He smirked.

I gulped. Well actually I didn't trust myself around him, I thought to myself.

He obviously took that as a yes, because he walked straight in.

We sat down. Awkward.

"Um, would you like something to drink?" I asked.

"Sure." He replied.

I was so not going to get him something to drink. I went straight to my bedroom and shut the door. I sat on my bed. Okay I'm alone, in a house with the hottest guy I have ever seriously seen. Oh and my boyfriend will be here any minute. Hm, I don't know how to get myself out of this one.

I sat on my bed for about 15 minutes then finally there was a slight knock on my bedroom door. I pretended I wasn't there.

"Mon, come on I know you're in there. The door isn't locked, so I can just walk right in if you'd like me to." He told me.

My eyes starting tearing up. No please, not now.

The door opened I turned around to face the wall so he wouldn't see me crying.

"Please just go. Please I'm begging you." I pleaded.

"Are you okay?" He stepped closer.

I ignored him.

He put his hands on my shoulder and pulled me around.

"Why are you crying? Tell me what's wrong?" He asked.

"I can't do this, I can't." I told him.

He had absolutely no idea why I was crying. Heck I wasn't sure what all the reasons were. The only thing I was sure that I knew I was going to cheat on Jason tonight, and I felt guilty already.

"Is it me?" He asked.

He was just in front of me now, his hot breathe in my face. I could smell his aftershave it was spicey. I could breath that in all day. His hands moved down my arms and onto my waist he pulled me onto him and he kissed me fast. Then slow then fast. I had never been kissed by this, not even by Jason.

Everything was moving fast. I was still crying from happiness and sadness for Jason.

It was getting heavy and I didn't want to do anything I'd regret later.

"No-no I can't. I'm sorry." I mumbled pulling away. I was putting my top back on.

"WHY! What am I not Jason enough for you! That stupid guy. I'm better for you, you're mine!" He yelled.

Woah kinda scary.

"Listen shh sh. Dev you see, I'm still a um yeah a you know. So I didn't want to rush anything yet." I was embarrassed telling him I was a virgin.

"Oh my, I'm um sorry." He went bright red.

"Please just go, I'll see you tomorrow." I told him.

Devon POV

She just shut the front door. 

"I love you." I whispered.

Then I disappeared into the night.


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