They Are Not Human

Chapter 19

The next day of traveling was a long one. The whole day I was sick to my stomach, and I couldn't stop from throwing up. I was unsure if it was from the stress of the situation, from withdrawals from the chip, or eating something bad. My body was exhausted and its limit, but my mind was full of energy and racing. Everything Kane had told me last night, was weighing heavy on me today. I desperately wanted to tell Arlo about it, but since his sudden outburst last night, I didn't think it would be a good idea to bring it up. Throughout the day, I tried making small talk with him, but he would often find ways to avoid me. I had to admit the rejection stung, and made the day that much longer.

That night we all settled in once more in our sleeping bags and fell fast asleep. Kane had promised us we should be arriving at our destination tomorrow, and not to sleep in. I could feel my arm burning, despite the chip no longer being there. How strange.

I grab my knees and fold them up to my chest, resting my head on them. I begin breathing deeply in and out, just praying that my stomach would quit hurting. These breathing exercises seemed to help a little, and I could feel my stomach begin to settle.

Once my body began to relax, I let my mind wander. Everything that I had known was beginning to close in around me, and I knew in just a few short days my life was going to change. I just really wished Arlo could be there to support me.

I could feel someone rubbing my back, and I immediately jerk my head from my lap, to see Arlo sitting there; trying to comfort me in my time of need. I shrug away his hand, still upset about his actions from earlier.

"Are you okay?" he asks, his voice quiet.

I didn't say anything in response. Of course I wasn't okay. Maybe I was being selfish about the situation, but didn't he realize how much he meant to me? I couldn't stand the fact that Arlo might be mad at me. Didn't he realize that I had abandonment issues? The tears began to build up in my eyes as I let my irrational thoughts consume me.

"Zia" he pleads. "Let me help you."

I turn my head away and burry my face into my lap once again. A deep scowl began to set into my face. It was in this moment that I realized that I wasn't mad at him, but I was mad at myself. Today made me realize that I was relying too much on Arlo for my own happiness. He was always there to pick up the pieces, and if he wasn't I was a hollow shell of a person, unable to cope with the outside world. I let out a long sigh, before answering him. "It's not your job to always be fixing me." I say sourly.

"Why isn't it?" he says, trying to urge me to look at him.

I take a deep breath, and carefully think how I wanted to phrase this to him. "It's not your job to fix me, because I need to fix myself. Sometimes no matter what a person says to you, it will never change the internal dialog in your head. Self-love and happiness is an inside job, and it's up to me to figure out how to obtain these goals. I don't need you to fix me; I need you to support me while I fix myself".

"But I-" Arlo begins to say, before I cut him off.

"No Arlo" I say holding my ground. "It is selfish of me to rely on you so much. I hope you know that I have appreciated everything you have done for me these past couple of months. I could never express my gratitude enough. " I continue saying.

"Okay I guess" Arlo says, not wanting to argue anymore.

"So do you wanna talk about what's been bothering you today?" I suggest after a minute, trying to address the elephant in the room.

"No and yes" he quietly replies. "I'm just afraid of how you'll react."

I sat there, and contemplated that for a minute. We were best friends, and we had never kept secrets from one another. I didn't understand why he was afraid of what I was going think all of the sudden. After everything we had been through, we should feel comfortable enough to confide in one another.