Leave..

Why did you decide to leave me... I needed you here and you left me to deal with all this by myself... I don't like being by myself because I overthink when i do which means i think about the impossible like... being happy. Having a life where I don't feel like absolute waste where I can actually be me instead of hiding under the mask that I made because everyone keeps leaving me... Just like you did... I knew it was coming but I didn't want to think that it was true... and then it was... it's not being in an endless black hole..you can't see anything... never ending falling... and it's all black... it's empty i'm the only thing there... I'm all alone. I remember when one time i was so upset and when i saw you i was just the happiest person because i love you and I don't really think that's ever going to go away... and when you talk about her all the time it hurts.. I don't think you understand that when you say these things to the person that you know is still in love with you but you're talking about never loving me and talking about loving my best friend... i sometimes wish that we never met so i wouldn't be this hurt right now.. You cheated.. And so did the last person I was with.. The sad part about it is that you both kissed the same person... my best friend.. And you walk around like you did nothing wrong like you didn't break my heart... like you didn't hurt me and then you want to start over? I don't know if i can ever forgive you... I was falling in love with you and then you broke my heart. You broke me and I believed it was all my fault like I wasn;t good enough for you to love me. I was having trouble with suicidal thoughts at the time before we got together and then i was happy that we were together and everyone was happy and then you started getting distant and that's when everything started getting bad again.. And it's like if i would've met you.. Maybe just maybe i would be happy... but i'm not and i keep waiting for someone to notice that my smile is fake most of the time and that most days i don't want to get out of bed or even.. Wake up... and it's the worst feeling because i don't wanna exist but i'm too scared to die...