The Girl Who Grew Up In The TARDIS (Wattys2014)

"Geronimo!"

 I was exhausted after the Doctor’s regeneration, every inch of me, my heart and soul goes through the joy and pain of knowing the Doctor, the older I get the more strong the visions of his adventures have grown, watching a day in the life of the Doctor can be pretty hair raising, thrilling stuff. However the final traumatic days of his last incarnation was too much, I needed to get away but every time I closed my eyes, I kept dreaming of the TARDIS exploding and even though I have never set foot on the Doctor’s world, all I could see was Gallifrey as it once was when the Doctor was a boy, snowy mountains that stretched on into infinity and shiny citadels, it was so beautiful and absolutely breathtaking that it broke my heart but it wasn’t long before the dream turned into a nightmare and Gallifrey was burning…Then I woke up. The TARDIS had completely reinvented herself as I slid and skidded across the glass flooring of the control room, her metallic interior’s had never shone so brightly and the console was littered with the most surreal bric-a-brac buttons and levers, I spent ages taping on the typewriter until the TARDIS told me off. I thought I had strayed into a fairy tale, it was pure magic and I loved it but it meant nothing without the Doctor, so as I reluctantly returned to my strange, little time bubble life, I needed to see the Doctor. The TARDIS has always kept me waiting and it seemed even longer this time but it really was worth the wait.

 And now here comes my confession for the first time in my life I was a bit in love with this version of the Doctor…I knew it was wrong to feel that way about a nine hundred and odd year old Time Lord who I had known since I was a girl but I simply couldn’t help myself… For it seemed to me that the best of him was kept until last and the Doctor was everything I wanted him to be and everything I think he finally wanted to be. And yet after the previous heroic, angst ridden incarnation, here was a version who was a little, well odd, reinventing his own brand of eccentricity as he gurgled excitedly to himself, hands moving independently to the rest of him as he bounded about the TARDIS like a newborn foal clumsy, awkward but gloriously alien with uncoordinated, rubbery limbs flying everywhere. And what was it with the hats again?! So many hats, a fez, a Stetson, a deerstalker to name but a few and no Doctor none of them were cool, well alright I quite liked the fez! Again he looked ridiculously young, younger than he had ever looked but then in a different light he could look like an old man. And he dressed with the air of a geeky Professor with his tweed jacket and funny bow tie, it shouldn’t really have worked but even with his scruffy trousers which were too short for his bandy legs I think it kind of suited him. Underneath his floppy fringe which I sometimes had a great longing to cut, the Doctor’s eyes darted around with so much life and were impossibly young and innocent but also jaded and ancient at the same time, his enthusiasm for adventure was infectious, he played the fool like never before but then this flash of sheer brilliance would just come from nowhere and take my breath away (you see this Doctor lied, he always had a plan, even though he said he didn’t) but the thing which surprised me was the stillness around him, a quiet, commanding strength and he rarely needed to raise his voice. But it was the Doctor’s inclusiveness that really struck me, the way he could make anyone in the Universe feel welcome, believing they could come along for a ride with him in his blue box and for the first time in his life I think the Doctor was truly kind. The Doctor was the most childlike he had ever been and his silliness could be annoying though if there’s one thing I have learned all these years, the Doctor is never what he seems but it still came as a shock to discover that he could be quite manipulative and lied frequently to those closest to him, there was an icy ruthless streak which ran through him which made me think that maybe there was more darkness in him than all his previous selves put together. But every time he smiled, that shy, hesitant smile that made you feel like the person that meant the most to him in the whole Universe I always wished he had been smiling at me as my heart stuttered and skipped a few beats, the TARDIS was annoyed with me and I can’t say I really blamed her. So I pulled myself together and stopped being a silly lovesick girl and concentrated on the one thing I wanted, to be the Doctor’s companion. So I held my breath and waited, believing it was only a matter of time, that the Doctor would see me soon. And how did I know this? The Doctor had used up all his regenerations and it was breaking my heart to think of it for he was the last of his kind and I could not envisage a Universe without the Doctor but at the time I also remember thinking surely we must be together any day now. He never mentioned it to anyone but I think even the Doctor was in denial that this was the end of his regeneration cycle. And even though there were days when I was losing my mind, clinging onto my very existence, I never lost count, his last incarnation had a regeneration that never was and then of course there was the “War” Doctor, the Doctor might have wanted to forget that life ever happened but just because he relinquished the name of the Doctor and became a soldier, it was still one of his lives no matter how hard the Doctor tried to forget.  

 And then one day, not long after I first saw him I made a horrible discovery about the Doctor that would haunt his days and taint his very existence. I guess his time travelling had finally caught up with him. I thought it cruel and unfair as the Doctor faced the consequence of being a time traveller more than ever before. Right from the beginning he was a marked man, his destiny mapped out for him because everything he was involved in was a consequence of a battle he was fighting somewhere in his future and events from his future kept bleeding through and someone was out to get him. Did this incarnation of the Doctor ever really stand a chance? But it never stopped him being magnificent and exploring the whole of time and space, this dark future might have been waiting for him but the Doctor never allowed it to eat away at him. Then the TARDIS showed me the cracks in time and told me that one day the Doctor’s enemies would make her explode and cause those very cracks and bring about the near destruction of the Universe. I felt sick with dread, pretty certain I might have dreamt it but waiting for this terrible thing was made even worse by not being able to warn the Doctor. From here onwards nothing would ever really make much sense again, the days with this Doctor would be all topsy-turvy, so pay attention for this is where it all gets a bit complicated…