I was tipsy and it was no secret. I had also cried which was no secret either, even if I wanted it to be.
The gin I had found and then chugged down like soda was my current anesthetic to what I was about to do. My heart was hurting and my body was throbbing, and my entire system was shaking and on edge, but my head knew what it wanted to do. Knew what it wanted to try.
And it was the worst goddamn idea, but I was scared that I wouldn't be able to pull through it any other way. Not unless I payed hundreds for therapy, which I really didn't have the money for now that Trump was President. Plus, this was faster.
Toeing into the bedroom, I found Lauren sleeping soundly in her kingsize bed. At least one of us had no trouble resting.
"Be brave," I whispered to myself, before taking a deep breath and then carefully crawled into the bed with her. This could either end catastrophic or be the best thing that ever happened to me. Maybe to the both of us. But it was going to be hard. I was going to have to break through a fear so deeply incorporated into my body, it was going to take every ounce of my willpower to make it through without breaking down or running away.
So that's why, before I lost my nerve and the buzz from the alcohol that was already fading away, I swung my leg over Lauren and sat astride her hips. Almost instantaneously, she awoke with a jolt, reflex making her reach for the gun under her pillow. I stopped her quickly by pinning her hands down. When her eyes focused on me, she frowned and instantly turned cold.
"What the fuck, Cam—"
I shut her up with my mouth. I pressed my lips against her and kissed her as well as I could while keeping her arms locked down – but of course that only lasted two seconds before Lauren used her strength against mine and turned her head away.
"What the fuck, Camila?" She growled again and grabbed my wrists tightly. "Enough. You're drunk. You can't just come to me whenever you fucking—"
"Please," I pleaded with a dry throat. "Please, Lauren, I, just... please, just give me one minute. A half. Just... I have to... I need to... try something. P-please. I'll go afterwards, just l-let me try something."
I don't know if it was the way my voice broke or if it was the stupid tears in my eyes that made her inexplicably loosen her grip on my wrists and let them go. There was a look in her eyes that changed when she saw the one in mine. She could tell something was up and that I wasn't just drunkenly throwing myself at her here. I was was a purpose with this and I needed her help.
So before I lost my cool, I swallowed the lump in my throat and brought my hands down to her chest and felt her heartbeat as I ran my hands over her tan skin. It beat stealthily, if not a little harder than normal.
It was now or never.
Slowly, I leaned down to her lips again, and this time she didn't turn her head. She let me softly press my lips against her, let me kiss her. She kissed me back slowly and allowed me to set the pace. She followed my rhythm and only lifted her head slightly to kiss me better as I parted my lips and let my tongue mingle with her. I felt her swipe her across my bottom lip, coating the seams of my mouth and then stroked my own tongue. A violent shudder ran through my body and made me panic. It zinged through me and made the hairs on my back stand up and had my shoulders tensioning.
I tried to remind myself to keep breathing. Told myself to power through it. But when Lauren's hands tentatively smoothed over my thighs and softly ran up to my waist, all my alarms rang. My heart pounded in my chest and panic shot up my spine. Coldsweat broke out on my forehead and I realized I couldn't breathe, just as Lauren's hands came to my torso, smoothed gently over my bare skin.