Pain

53

"Nooo, I need him here with me" I scream as I clench onto the side rail of the bed.

"He'll be here soon, just keep breathing. Hu hu hu. Hu hu hu" Caroline says, trying to calm me down.

I let out another scream as my contractions increased. "God dammit... Where the hell is Christopher Jordan Michael?" I scream again. The doors suddenly open and I couldn't see who it was. The pain increased by the second and I couldn't stop screaming.

"Ashley, screaming won't help, just take deep breaths" says a doctor.

"I so badly want to pull your hair out of your head, tell me not to scream and I will do just that" I threaten the doctor. I could hear some giggles. Clearly my threat was left a joke, but I meant every word. "Ahhhhh" I scream, my contraction opening me up. "Get it out of my already!" This pain was unbearable. I close my eyes at an attempt to block out the pain. My hands meet with another pair, slightly bigger and much rougher. I hold onto it as tight as I can as the doctor says "It's time to push."

I take a deep breath in and open my eyes, Christopher holding my hands. "You're here" I exclaim in relief. Pain washes over me again, and I end up pushing, causing more pain by the second. Tears rolled down my eyes as I held his hand tighter. "Push" he says and I do exactly that.

After what felt like hours, but was actually minutes, I hear the cry of a baby. My baby. I felt slightly dizzy and lay my head back on the pillow. My breaths became more and more harder to breathe. The hand that held mines let go and even though I could see everything perfectly fine, it felt like everyone was moving in slow motion. I wanted to scream for some help, but I knew I kept on smiling. I was unable to react to my pain. To the numbness which overtook my body. The sound of beeps get louder and louder and I see Christopher and Caroline being taken away from me. They were being rushed out. While Caroline looked worried and at the verge of tearing, Christopher looked relieved. Relieved at my pain. This hurt me more than I imagined. Something burned inside me. I know he doesn't deserve me, I know he lost the right to ever love me, but I love him. He may not be the Christopher that I once met, but he was my Chris somewhere underneath. The walls started closing in as doctors surrounded me.

"Clear" they said, a sound of something electrifying making its way in my ears. I knew I was going to be hit with those things they put on your chest to take you back to life. So, was I dying? I didn't know. All I knew was... As soon as those charges came near me, darkness was all I saw.

************

"Hey" I hear as hands stroke my hair. Caroline! I slightly open my eyes and look at her, dressed in the same wear that she wore when she took me to the hospital. Hospital!! My baby!! I immediately got up and regretted it almost instantly. Pain ran through my lower body causing me to sink back down. "Take it easy" she says laying me there.

"Where is my baby? Is it a girl? Or a boy?" I ask feeling embarrassed that I, being the mother of my child, haven't even met him/her and I didn't even know the gender. Caroline laughs, not in a mocking way, bur more from happiness.

"Relax! He is fine" she says walking over to the other side of the room. He? It's a boy! She comes near me again, this time her hands holding onto something as gentle as a feather. "Meet your mommy" she says bringing him down to my level.

I am met with the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen. I held him in my hand and wrapped his hands around one of my finger. His brown hair with waves and curls resemble my hair. His cheeks were the faintest red and lips were slightly between purple and pink. His eyes were closed and he was in deep sleep. I stroke his cheeks and I felt hands stroke mines as well. I look up to Caroline, wiping away a tear I didn't know had fallen. "He's beautiful" I say placing a kiss on his forehead.

"What are you going to name him?" She asks looking down at us in awe. His eyes slightly open, squinting as light enters. His lips part and his eyes open wider, looking like it was Chinese. A groan leaves his lips and I couldn't help but smile.

"Jake" I say to Caroline, not even looking away from him. "He'a perfect!" I take his hands with my finger and kiss it as he starts crying.

"Looks like he's hungry" Caroline says taking him away from my hands and placing him in the crib. She walks back to me starts adjusting my sitting level so that I could feed him. How blessed I am to have Caroline with me? She is my angel in disguise.

"What happened to me? I remember I passed out" I say to Caroline as her face turns into worry.

"You had excessive bleeding. They couldn't keep it under control, that's why you lost consciousness. You had me worrying there for a second." I nod, processing her words.

"Thank you" I say to her as she places Jake on my lap.

"No problem" she replies casually. I stop her by holding her wrist as she walks away.

"No, I mean thank you for everything."

"That's what friends are for!" She says smiling. I smiled back at her truly for the first time in forever.

********

The sound of crying makes me wake up. I check the time. 02:07am. I yawn and lazily get up from the bed making my way over to the crib. I take Jake in my hand and carry him back to the bed to feed him. He was now just 3 days old. Caroline had gone back to college and I came back home, and life went on.

As I make him burp, the doors open abruptly and Christopher stumbles inside. His walk was lazy and his eyes were bloodshot red. The smell of alcohol filled through the room and I scrunched my nose in disgust. I place Jake back on the crib and walk over to Christopher who was taking off of his shoes. Sensing my presence he storms off to the living room. Checking on Jake once again, I follow Christopher out.

"What is wrong with you?" I scream pulling him by his shoulder to face me. He was drunk and although I feared he would hurt me once again, I knew I was able to take advantage of his drunken state. "You are a father now! This is the example you want to set to your own son. You want him to be an animal like you" I yell at him looking straight in his eyes.

"You bitch" he says holding my hand and squeezing it. I push away his hands easily and push him back from me. He almost tripped in his feet but stood ground. "What the fu*k you want from me?" He says running his hands through his hair and a deep sigh in defeat.

"I want answers!!! If you didn't want to be a father, then why did you get me pregnant. You could have easily divorced me. You could have lived your life instead marrying me at all. Why go through it all only to treat me like shit?" He races towards me with his fist clenched and I immediately back away, putting my hands in front of me, trying to block him out. He was more drunk than usual that all his fights against me went in vain. I pushed him to the sofa and he fell, not even bothering to get up.

"Fine! You want answers? I'll give you answers!"