Kiwi // H.S. // A.U.

Chapter Fort-Two

EMMA

It felt like everything was eating away at me. Not only did I have ample amount of time to overthink things, it also seemed like Harry got busier. He was always out with his family, taking the kids to a park or the zoo, which meant he got back to me a little less than he had been before Christmas.

I didn't blame him. I just wished I was with him. Of course we still talked every night, and I could tell he was dying to know why I was being so off, but I knew I needed him physically with me if I was going to say it out loud. I knew I would break down, my emotions askew the past few days.

My mom and I haven't mentioned it once since that day. It was like everything went back to normal. Except everything felt forced. We did our normal Christmas routine, but it was quieter than usual. We didn't laugh nearly as much and spent time watching movies more than ignoring them and talking like we used to.

The past few days have been weird too. My mom has been taking private calls, keeping her phone close to her, and leaving the room when it rang. I asked her what that was about once, but she brushed me off by lying and saying it was a telemarketer.

My mom had never lied to me before. She had always been open and honest, but I could see her holding something back now. I wasn't stupid. I knew it had something to do with Peter. I wonder if he had actually taken my angry advice to find us on his own if he truly wanted to speak to us.

He hadn't reached out to me, though, and honestly I wasn't sure if I wanted that. I didn't necessarily, all of a sudden, want him in my life, pretending to be a dad, and trying to make up for all the lost years, but if he didn't try I knew it would hit me hard. It was a lose lose for me. I wouldn't be happy either way. Either I get a constant reminder that he was never there when I was a child, or I don't get him around the rest of my life.

My mind wasn't even comprehending the fact that I had a sister.

Maddie.

My whole life I had wanted siblings. Not necessarily a dad, but I always craved that connection of a brother or sister. I could technically have one now - that was if Peter wasn't a coward and told her that I existed. But with her came him.

It was all so convoluted and confusing, and I wasn't feeling like myself. More and more I felt my mind eat away at my self esteem, which only pissed me right off. I had worked so fucking hard to get myself out of my rut, but I fell so easily back into that bleak state of mind. It had this added pressure to my chest, like something was building, an unpleasant buzzing feeling resonating through me.

All of this was effecting my other thoughts. Thoughts I had sorted out before Christmas Eve. I was doubting my actions about Jake, and I was replaying every conversation Harry and I had. But instead of remembering the sweet parts where he told me how he felt or how much he missed me, my stupid-fucking-brain relived that okay.

That stupid word echoed through my head every day. It was so un-Harry-like. He had never been at a loss for words around me, usually saying more than he needed to. He was expressive and honest and never an okay type of guy.

I knew I was overthinking it. I knew nothing changed, and Harry still felt the same about me, but the worst part of having a brain like mine was that it wouldn't stop.

Everything added together made these last couple days horrible. I wanted things how they were before we left that cottage last weekend. Everything was so perfect, whereas now things were a mess.

So I was angry and confused and sad, and I didn't know how to sort any of it. The calming presence of Harry was still two days away, and as desperate as I was to call him and ask him to come to me, I wasn't going to take away his family time. I knew how important that was to a person. It's part of the reason why I was so annoyed at how my mom seemed to be distancing herself from me. Not a lot, but enough to put me on edge.