Living Again~ Twenty-Three

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I shut my door and plunged onto my bed. I have never felt so utterly stupid in my entire life. What the hell was I thinking? Declaring my love for her so suddenly and expecting her to say it back after all that she's been through? I'm such an idiot.

So what if we kissed a couple of times? That didn't  mean she was ready. I had to admit I was mad at her at first, that's why I dismissed her  without saying goodbye when I dropped her off. Because the past month has been the best time of my life, and I was more than ready to just pour out all my feelings towards her. I was so certain she would confess her feelings too. But she didn't, and that hurt. I would take all the nasty words my mother has said to me and times them by a million, then to ever be rejected by Marissa again.

A part of me knew I was overreacting. We could go back and work at this. Everything would be fine. But no. Tonight made me realise something very crucial. I thought back to how Marissa used to be, so numb and empty. She has recovered now, she's more than fine... or so I thought. 

I sighed in frustration, this girl really drives me crazy. There's just something about her which makes me feel restless... I need to figure her out. I want to know why she says certain things or what makes her act a certain way. I want to know everything about her.

I heard a knock on my door. I thought it was just Casey coming in to say goodnight so I yelled out 'come in!'.

I regretted it as soon as I saw my mother enter the room with a warm smile on her face which was obviously fake. 

"What do you want?" I muttered.

"Just looking to have a heart-to-heart with my son. Is that so wrong? Now tell me, how was your date with that girl?"

"Mom, 'that girl' has a name. Marissa and I had a great time."

She narrowed her eyes, "Really? Is that so? Then why do yo look so glum?"

I sighed, she always  knew how to get her hands on the truth, so before she made a bizarre move to find out what's really going on (like call Marissa and force her to tell), I gave in. "I told her I loved her. She didn't say it back."

I couldn't even look at my mother's face. If she was sad for me, then I didn't want to be pitied. But I was afraid that she'd be happy, which would just make me want to yell at her for being so heartless. 

After a moment of silence she said, "Here's how I see it. This girl, I mean, Marissa, has had a terribly rough past. You told me about the death of her family, that has to be the most tragic thing that could happen to a teenager. She said that night that you have changed her. Well, that's great. But you can't always live in the moment, my dear. You have to think about the future. You have already repeated a grade, you failed your last exams, didn't you?" I didn't say anything but she pressed on, "You failed Ethan, didn't you?"

I nodded reluctantly. I felt so guilty. She could never be proud of me. I swear, I had tried so hard  to get the paper in on time but I just couldn't. I had  spend so long trying to make my writing look comprehendable so that the examiner would at least know what I was writing, but I ran out of time and ended up failing. I knew it wasn't  my fault but I couldn't help but feel guilty, why did I have to suffer from dysgraphia?! Why did I have to have parents who don't understand my simple condition because their egos are way too high to admit that their son might have a problem?!

I looked at my mother and she had a satisified look on her face. My mother, always the manipulator. I cried out, "So what's your point? How does this have anything to do with Marissa?"

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