Maybe telling Luke that i wanted to die wasn't a good idea, i am now on antidepressants, i'm now back into the routine of seeing a psychiatrist, and i wasn't having the time of my life.
Online schooling through a lot of assessments and exams at me and i was majorly stressed about that, but i did have a party this weekend with my friends from my old school so that was the only thing i was excited about. I still hadn't come to terms with Jordan dying, i haven't had my time to morn but these stupid pills made me feel numb.
Dad was super busy at work, only coming home for a change of clothes, he slept at the hospital and i was only there for my appointment or just with the boys for a few hours, even then dad was in surgery. So i just restored to staying home all day, my birthday was coming up soon, but i didn't want to ask dad about it, seeing as we haven't really spoken.
Friday night came faster then i thought and dad still hadn't been home for a night this week, i said my goodbyes to Mikey and Ash seeing as they were the only ones home, promising i'd be home before 11, not drinking at all because of my medicine but let's be real, do teenagers really listen?
My head was fuzzy, the party was in full swing and i was on my third drink, i danced for a while, loosing count on my drinks, my vision was blurry one minute and the next it wasn't, last thing i remembered was being set into a bed, not knowing who's it is.
Thankful i woke up in my own bed, i sighed and laid back into my covers, watching as the snow fell, grabbing my phone i bit my lip seeing as dad wouldn't be home again tonight, calling him i was greeted with his voicemail.
After showering and changing i said hi to the boys, grabbing some Advil "is dad coming home anytime soon? what's so important at the hospital?" I asked Mikey, he shrugged and hugged me as he grabbed his stuff. "He just has major surgery's, the chief is putting a lot of pressure on him fay" i nodded wordlessly.
To my suprise dad came home for the night, maybe his message was a lie? I smiled as i saw him, but i frowned immediately as he pushed past me to walk upstairs. I followed of course, i just wanted my dad, i wanted his comfort.
"Dad?" I spoke, standing at his door as i watched him get ready for bed, "Faith, not right now. i'm trying to sleep, i'll talk with you later" he grunted, closing the door in my face. I nodded, knowing he probably just had a bad night.
it was around 5pm when dad woke up, i baked his favourite cookies hoping he'd sit with me and eat, telling myself to remind him that my birthday was in two days.
"Dad, uh i know you one hundred percent remember this but my seventeenth is in two days, and i was wondering if you'd be home or not?" I asked, dipping my cookie into some milk.
"Yeah of course, honey. I wouldn't miss it for the world," he smiled, kissing my forehead. "i've gotta run to work, i'll see you tomorrow afternoon okay?" Dad smiled and left with Ash and Luke.
"Mikey?" i sighed and washed my hands, feeling like my chest was going to explode. "what's up lovebug?" he muttered, pulling me to the couch. "i miss my mom, and i miss dad" i cried, letting out everything I've held together. "i miss jordan, i miss being able to smile and feel, i feel so numb all the times, i feel so so alone mikey and i'm trapped in my head" i pushed my hands against my chest, gasping for air.
"Okay, Okay, baby breath, breath with me" Mikey laid my head on his chest, gripping onto his shirt i breathed as best as i could. I continue to cry for a while, my head spinning and my body exhausted "i'll talk with Calum about changing your meds when i get the chance okay?" he told me, i smiled and cuddled into him as i drifted off into sleep.
My birthday came around sooner then i thought and i woke up to an empty house, no messages from any of the boys, not even a miss call. I got myself ready for the day. I started off doing some homework, i baked a birthday cake for myself, i iced it too and i was proud of myself. Around 12pm i called my dad but i got no answer, Luke had messaged me telling that they'd all be home late.
I went for a walk down to the local shops to get my own birthday candles, i blinked away my tears knowing that this happened a lot, they were doctors, excellent surgeons. They were just extremely busy. I had stopped taking my pills before the party, knowing that no one would notice, no one took the time to talk to me anymore and i'm trying to come to the term that it's okay.
Around 11pm i blew out my own candles, sitting in an empty house, i cried silent tears as i wished myself happy birthday, throwing out the cake i made before making my way upstairs.
My mom could've been here celebrating with me but it's my fault she's in jail. Jordans dead and my dad? my dad is too busy with work to acknowledge me anymore. My friends? i don't think they even like me anymore.
I was awoken by four drunk men, i sighed and made my way downstairs to the ruckus. Grabbing my dads hand i was taken aback when he let go of it. "you! you're the reason your mom cheated on me, she never wanted a kid in the first place! it's all your fault!" he cried, I bit my lip and closed my eyes only wishing this wasn't real, no way it could be.
"I work and work and work all for what! you put your mother in jail so i'm having to take care of your ungrateful ass?" I looked to the boys but i knew they were way to drunk to understand what was happening. I nodded, agreeing with the words he said, i helped everyone to bed before my dad, knowing he would protest against me.
"it's always been about you Faith, always" he shook his head in disappointment before he walked upstairs. I stood silently as i cried, this isn't my life, this couldn't be how my life was turning out.
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