the dumping ground // one shots

squint // drabble

warnings - mentions of depressive thoughts

takes place in season seven; essentially a take on why ryan decided to leave ashdene ridge

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"i need to leave ashdene ridge."

"ryan, if this is about your mum turning up, or not getting fostered-"

"no, it's not about that. not really."

"...well? why now?"

(because he has spent his entire life feeling alone in a room filled with people and that will not change until he does.

because ashdene ridge was a fresh start, but that was years ago and he has been holding his breath ever since.

because he is trying to be normal and it is so, so hard.

letting go of his mother's blame lifted a weight off of his chest but it didn't last, and it won't. not until he can leave the rest of his life behind.)

"i don't know how to explain it."

"can you try?"

(his mother was a violent raincloud; he was a dying flame.

they didn't fit. not like a mother and son should.

she drifted out of his life almost as fast as she came, leaving nothing but a flood of destruction in her wake.

hours after their conversation in the old flat, he went back - alone. it seemed colder, somehow.

all that pitiful grief - the horror locked inside both his mind and his mother's - it was here.

but she was gone now and, somehow, everything was worse.

he closed the door behind himself, planning to go back home and leave it all behind. 

instead, he headed towards the dilapidated staircase, and climbed.)

"ashdene ridge is loud and messy and it's terrifying how quickly you can slip into the background."

(the air was thinner on the rooftop.

he stared at the town below him, and then took a step closer to the edge. he kept going until his toes were no longer on solid ground.

and then he breathed.

time trickled by like water out of a leaky tap, and before he knew it the sky was casting an orange glow over him.

he told himself that mike would be wondering where he was and, normally, this stirred some deep-rooted feelings of self hatred and guilt at the thought of making the man worried.

however, something was different.

the self loathing was there - it always is - but he felt no rush. no need inside his heart when he told himself he should go home. he didn't want to go home.

the realisation came fast, but it was not surprising.)

"it's not your fault, though. you love us as much as you can, i know that. and, sometimes, things are good. if you tilt your head and squint hard enough, they can be  amazing."

(he remembered a time when johnny used to help him with his homework, having done similar assignments when he was ryan's age.

or when carmen would ramble about the drama in her friendship group for hours on end, and he would pretend to be annoyed by her and tee's gossip but secretly he liked it when they asked his opinions on things.

his hands were shaking. have they always done that?) 

"...i'm just tired of squinting."

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hello this isn't strung together very well but that's okay

i have been binge watching 'bojack horseman' and it is a beautiful show

the first season starts off as a generic adult cartoon-comedy type thing but once you get past those first few episodes it will make you cry and i highly recommend