Malicious

LeeRoy

still mal 🙃

   I broke up with Jiggle Tits the day after that second time in the motel with Zach. I didn't tell anyone, but word got around the school pretty quick. The whole day, I had girls coming up to me asking me to take them out. It was gross. I also knew exactly when Zach found out about it, because he started staring at me weird. Like I was stupid or something. Man, I wanted my brother. He didn't really come to school much in those days. Stage three cancer didn't exactly allow for an easy education setting. So he just ended up staying home most of the time.

   I thought about Mav a lot that particular school day, though. I didn't pay attention in my classes, because he was all I could think about. Well, and that fucking day we found out. I'll never forget that look in his eyes. Because he knew exactly what I did. It wasn't going to get any better. He wouldn't get any better. Yea, it was possible. Just not likely. I remember that I had been mad at him for months after, even though it definitely wasn't his fault. He knew me so well that it didn't bother him.

   It was just shit like that in every class. I didn't talk to anyone up until football practice, and only then because I'd gotten into a fight with Soren on the field. I hadn't started it, though. He'd tried to jump me over what had happened, and I had to keep him quiet about Zach. So I did what I had to. I didn't feel anything about it. If he didn't want a concussion, he shouldn't have been in football. Simple as that. It was bound to happen eventually anyway.

   Only when I was leaving the field early because of that, did I notice Zach talking to the linebacker that just loved to skip practice. And got away with it too. I think his name was LeeRoy, but everyone just called him Windex cause of his laugh. I didn't know much about him, but I did know Zach. He needed more than I was giving him, and I knew that. I'd just never thought about it until that moment. So when I walked by them, I just bumped into Zach, knocking his books onto the ground. Somehow I even managed to ignore Windex when he called me an asshole, and Zach when he agreed. Maybe because it made me feel bad and shitty that he called me that.

Yea. He is a fucking asshole.

It was all I could hear echoing in my mind as I sped up in pace trying to get to my car. It looked farther and farther away the faster I walked. I could feel my heart starting to race a little bit. I felt very exposed for some reason.

And when I was finally able to reach my fucking car, I wasted no time getting in it as fast as I could and slammed the door shut behind me. I noticed my breathing was weird. I hated when my breathing got fast like that, and my chest would start burning. Anxiety. That's what they called it. A severe panic disorder or some shit. None of that shit was real to me.

Nonetheless, I couldn't fucking breathe. The entire day had flooded me with too much shit. I only felt what I called panic when I felt something warm spill down my cheeks. I wiped my face off and looked in my mirror.

No. No, no, no, no. Fuck.

As soon as I saw that my eyes were wet, I turned my car on and burned rubber getting the fuck out of that parking lot. No one besides my brother and my parents had ever seen me cry. I planned on keeping it that way until I died.

When I finally got out of eyesight with the school, I pulled my cigarettes out of my pocket and lit one up. After that, I grabbed my phone out of my backpack that I'd slung in the passenger seat earlier. I started my music and turned up the volume until it was drowning my thoughts out. I'd have a killer headache, but I didn't give a shit.

When I finally got home, I didn't turn my car off. I didn't mess with anything. The music kept going, and I didn't stop it. I just laid back against my seat, feeling completely drained.