01 | DEATH

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01 | DEATH

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01 | DEATH

I've never seen a dead body before.

In all my eighteen years of being on this wretched earth, I've never seen an actual dead body. Not in person, anyway. I've also never been to a funeral. However, for some unexplained reason, this past week I've been forced to endure both.

I don't know what the universe is trying to tell me, and I don't know what it is that I could've done wrong to deserve any of what's happened to me, but I know for a fact that I can't handle any more unexpected surprises. I'll surely have a fucking mental breakdown if something else traumatic happens.

Still, it's crazy what's happening now. Sitting here in the empty church listening to the preacher's sermon, hearing the soft pattering of the rain hitting the roof, it all has my mind wandering. And despite my depressing circumstances, I figured I'd be stronger than the weeping mess that I am now; I'm usually the type of person that can keep it together when under duress and yet, seeing as how it's my grandparent's ashes that sit in the two black urns just a few feet in front of me... things change.

I don't know how to take it with them being gone. Just the thought of knowing that they're gone forever and I'll never be able to see them again, not in this life, makes me feel like my insides are on fire. My heart is broken. My body is numb. Emotions are all over the place.

This fucking sucks.

I let the tears fall and sob freely. It doesn't matter how crazy I act, how loud I get, seeing as how no one else is here.

I always expected this kind of outcome. Going off what my grandparents told me, I apparently don't have any other living relatives, none that wanted to be bothered with us at least. My parents died shortly after I was born and had no other children. My mother didn't have any sisters or brothers, so I don't have any uncles or aunts. I heard that my father wasn't close with his immediate family, so if he had any living siblings, my grandparents never told me about them.

My grandparents don't have any other kids besides my mom, so I'm the last of the family tree. Literally the last of my lineage and whenever I croak, that's pretty much it for the Pirelli's.

It's disheartening to know that I don't have any family to go through this process with. Although I've been a loner my entire life, that doesn't mean that me being here on my own right now doesn't hurt in a way that has it hard for me to breathe.

I'm even more so disappointed in our useless neighbors. They were all aware of my grandparent's passing and yet none of them thought to show up. What a shame.

God, this is so unfair... I sniffle, trying to pull myself together for the umpteenth time.

God. Yeah, I'd ask God for them back if I knew for sure he'd grant my wish, but even if he is listening to me I'm willing to bet he'd ignore me thanks to me not being on his team. My grandparents and I weren't very religious. That was one reason why everyone looked at us like we all were from another planet. We didn't go to church every Sunday and we didn't pray as often as we probably should have, but what we did believe in was that something of greater power was out there. We're spiritual, I guess you could say.

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