Chapter 38 ― Mila

I was torn. I missed Zayn so much it physically hurt. Two weeks without seeing him, without hearing his voice and I noticed it. I felt his absence. But at the same time I couldn’t see him because I was still hurt for what had happened. Every time someone asked me what had happened to my account and I had to explain to them, my chest hurt. The thought of that all my dreams and hard work had just disappeared into the nothingness was more painful than what I could handle. It made me want to crawl to my bed and stay there, crying over what I had lost.

Moni was with me all the time, telling me that everything was going to be fine, that I had just to stand up and start again. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to take the same risk again. I didn’t want to give them the opportunity to hurt me again. I just couldn’t it.

“But with not going back you’re giving them the satisfaction that they got to you,” Moni used to tell me but it was useless. I didn’t want to go back to post my stories online. I didn’t want to lose my work again. Of course I had the backup of my stories and I could post them all over again, but that wouldn’t give me back all the work I put to start posting them in the first place. Posting them again wouldn’t give me back all the hard work and time I spent doing that. The feeling of that lost was too much to handle and too hard to explain.

A part of me wanted to go back to Zayn and let him comfort me, to tell him that I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me and that I understood it; but my pride had been hurt with his actions. I couldn’t just ignore that part because I was proud. I couldn’t help it. It was a part of me.

I heard every time he knocked at the door and Moni asked him to leave because I didn’t want to see him. But it was more than that. I wasn’t ready to see him. Not yet, I needed time. And it pained me when I heard Moni closing the door knowing he had gone away again.

Since the moment I closed the door of my life at him and refused to see him and talk about this, I realised how much I needed him in my life. I just noticed how much he meant to me. I always thought that I cared about him a lot, that I enjoyed being with him and I was happy; but it was more than that and I just had failed at noticing how much he meant to me. I really loved him and not having him hurt as much as having him close in that moment.

I needed him there, next to me yet at the same time I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing him.

I didn’t know what to do and there were moments when I felt so divided that I could barely move. I didn’t know what to do, I would lie on my bed not knowing how to proceed or think.

I wasn’t sure what day it was, as I hadn’t gone to Uni in the last two weeks. Moni brought me all my assignments and notes but I couldn’t care less. I knew exams were getting closer and I had to start studying, but I couldn’t find the motivation to do something. I was in one of my dark holes.

“Mila, how you feeling, love?” Moni asked walking in my room and sitting next to me in my bed. I just groaned as a response. “Mila, you need to leave this place. You can’t stay here. You’re stronger than this,” she told me and I knew she was dead worried, but I couldn’t find the strengths to move.

“I wanna stay here forever. My bed won’t hack and delete my account,” I mumbled with a small voice and I heard Moni sighing.

“You can’t hide from the world for what one person did,” she reasoned and I groaned again. “C’mon, Mila. Let’s go out to grab some coffee. You’ll feel better.”

“I don’t wanna,” I complained like a stubborn little girl. Moni was about to say something but she got a message and quickly she stood up without explaining anything.

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