And Then There Was Victor

Chapter 18

Tuesday I arrived at the Atrium like the bad bitch I knew myself to be. This was my group and if Clem wanted to bite off the edges then let him. However, Victor had not arrived and neither had Jon and Steven and I managed to say hello to a few of the guys before I saw Clem. He was staring at me. Of course, he was. That's all he did. Stare. My intent was to walk past him and ignore him but he stepped towards me, a very first for him. I paused and looked at him.

"Becka," he said. "How are you?"

I stared at him for a moment and then I hefted my bag up. "Good."

I watched as he took a deep breath and shoved his blond hair back from his face. He was still, to my eyes, incredibly handsome. Aloof and distant, a statue. Untouchable, not like Victor who was solid and had the warmest, kindest brown eyes. Clem was cold and remote, untouched and unreal. I realized that I could not envision being intimate with Clem much less seeing him naked.

"You look very good, Becka. Beautiful."

My stomach froze and then I smiled. I let out a bark of a laugh and he looked startled. I realized I had never once been myself around him. Not once.

"Jesus Christ, Clem. Do you have any idea how much I wanted to hear that back in High School?" I shook my head at him.

He looked embarrassed and looked away then back at me. The morning sun made his hair seem hay-white. "Yeah, I was an asshole then."

"Yeah," I nodded then I shrugged. "Are you still an asshole now?"

He gave me a weak smile. "Sometimes."

"I appreciate the honesty," I said.

"I wanted to tell you," he walked closer and there was an intimacy in his stance that I had not authorized. "I did really like you. Even before Alvin but... I didn't do anything and he did and..."

I stared at him and I felt more people arrive around us but all I could smell was Clem's perfume. It was the same as it had always been. He smelled like an Abercrombie store.

"Well, he was my friend, you know," he said.

I took a sharp breath and a step back, still looking up at him. "Victor was right."

"Victor?" Clem's brows furrowed. "You and he seem to be close."

"We are."

"Just don't forget what he did in Prom," his tone was tight and there was an underlying note of anger.

I stared at him and I felt this indignity rise in me. What a disgusting weak jerk.

"I remember it perfectly well," I said.

I smiled a sardonic smile that he wouldn't recognize. He would never know the tones of my face. Let him think what he liked, let him think he was saving me from someone. I knew the truth, I knew it all now and what I knew above everything was that I missed my friends, not the Patty Girls. But Victor and Steven and even Jon. I looked him up and down and then I turned to find my three guys staring at us. I realized they were waiting, tense, to see if I needed them to interfere.

"Take care of yourself, Clem." I patted his chest and walked away.

There was a sort of purging of myself in that moment, as I walked towards the people I had chosen. I had been so jealous of Yara and her butterfly wings that I had not realized that I had the capacity to fly all along. I had long been a butterfly acting like a worm.