Cute. That's the only way I could describe her as. I was 11 years old when I had my first crush. Up until recently I never realised she was my first. But then again, discovering yourself takes a long time and for me it took 7 years to know that I stand out from the usual heterosexual normality crap and 2 years to embrace me for who I am.
Back when I was 11, it was this mustered up adoration for a girl who was good at everything. I liked seeing her everyday, watch her smile which made me feel like a creep but yes. She would slightly touch my hand and I would feel some sort of ecstasy take over.
What got me was the fact that, "Wasn't I supposed to feel this for a guy?" But how much ever I tried I never could?
Did it make me question it then? No. Did it feel disgusting? Yes.
Years went on and so did with that, the increase in girl talk about guys. I would join in eventually, throwing in names of celebrities here and there that I liked looking at. I used to find guys from my school cute and be assertive of the fact that I had a crush on them. Maybe I was trying to convince myself about how I fit into the normal by crushing on these boys. But then again, compared to the first girl I had a crush on, these were just transitory infatuations because I wanted to fit in.
I remember talking to my best friend about this guy I found cute. She knew me better than anyone and she would know if I wasn't straight or not. Part of me wanted to know but didn't. "You are one of the straightest persons I know" is what she told me which brought me a sense of relief but at the same time I felt like I was betraying myself.
All these feelings I "tried" to channel onto guys was just me averting my actual feelings from a girl I genuinely liked after. This was the second time I had fascination for another girl.
This went on for 4 years of me throbbing in pain inside constantly and hiding my jealousy as she went on dating another guy later when a part of me knew that she did indeed like me back before and wondered what would have happened if we did confess our feelings for each other. Would she still go out with him? But then again, I kept my distance even though it hurt both her and me. I build this cocoon with my feelings and never let anybody inside and in reality I seemed happy and open and not to mention "straight".
I successfully managed suppressing my feelings for this girl who would constantly raid my train of thought. After years, we started getting closer and I felt like my feelings were getting tugged on and they were resurfacing back for this girl.
And when she finally confessed that she liked me, I thought it was a prank and told her off. Part of me was convinced that she was genuine about it and at the same time scared me because, What if she was joking? What if this was true? Could I live with myself standing out of normal?
I decided to do what was best for me after years of fighting my feelings and embraced myself but this time I wasn't alone.
Leaving in a society like mine, gay people are shushed and sent to retreat centres to "pray the gay away" apparently.
I could never imagine a scenario where I was with a guy, being happy and holding hands but with a girl I could picture more than that
Life is mostly about observing and learning but this part of me that I discovered wasn't about observing or experimenting something. It was genuine and I was born this way. And nothing could prove otherwise
I know my parents would never accept me but part of me wishes they will when I come out to them
I can still feel people trying not to flinch when I tell them I am not straight but then again they accept me later on knowing that who I choose to love doesn't alter my personality.
I am glad I could accept myself in this fucked up world of self hate and loathing.
I am glad I could label myself as demisexual and possibly bisexual (cause I hype over plenty of celebrities and certain guys))
This story was written by annnnhere , please tag her in any comments so that she may see them!
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Real stories from the World - LGBTQ+Non-Fiction
This collection of stories is an attempt to share stories of how it is to live as a member of the LGBTQ+ community in different parts of the world. The first stories will post the 17th of May, the International day against homophobia and transphobia...