Group Therapy

53 - Not The Physical Wound.

Ryder Max Stone was my first kiss.

He called me baby.

I definitely enjoyed it and it's nice to know he doesn't hate me like everyone else who's ever laid eyes on me.

But l still can't shake the feeling, of what? Sadness, anger, disappointment, guilt, everything.

I left hunter alone on Christmas and new years eve, my dad hadn't even bothered to text me after the argument we had over the phone, the results of our finals came in yesterday and l didn't get the mark l hoped for, l hate to admit it but l miss my mom because even if she yells at me over everything she's been through a lot and l know she loves me.

The emptiness that never left feels more void as the clock ticks by.

The memories of spending new years eve with my dad before he left come crashing back.

Flashback

"no no daddy stop it's almost on!!" l chuckle and push my dads hand away, breathless from laughing so much at him tickling me.

"what's on? I don't hear anything." he continues to tickle me

"the countdown! It's almost on! Look it's on now!" l continue to laugh as he stops tickling me and turns up the volume

"ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Happy new year!" we both yell in unison

He picks me up and throws me over his shoulder, spinning around as unstoppable giggles erupt from my lips.

"happy new year sweetheart, l love you."

"happy new year daddy, l love you more."

End Of Flashback

I place a hand over my mouth and squeez my eyes shut to keep myself from making any noise as the tears slide down my face

Every damn year l have to remember this. Every. Fucking. Year.

Why couldn't l just have a normal life? Be a normal teenager and worry about who's going to ask me to prom instead of when I'm going to get killed by fucking gangs or what should l do about my dad's wedding.

I clutch the pillow I'm holding closer to my chest and bury my face underneath it begging myself to stop crying and just hold on for a little longer.

I push my legs up further against my chest so I'm curled up in a ball with my head buried under the pillow.

I hear movement from behind me and hold my breath to stop myself from making any noise, assuming it's ryder waking up to go to the bathroom. I don't want him even suspecting that I'm crying.

The sound of his footsteps start growing lower and the click of the bathroom door opening and closing confirms that he's out of the room for now

I allow myself to let out a faint sob knowing that he isn't in the room.

Oh god it hurts, it hurts so bad.

The memories will not stop playing over and over again in my head and it fucking hurts.