Chapter 38

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She shakes her head with a small smile. I'm happy to see that smile again, I hate seeing her sad. As we sit silently I study her features, I've studied them a million times but still I don't get sick of it. Actually I was still trying to process in my mind of how breath taking she was.

Finally it's the end of the day. I have been literally suffering all day waiting for the day to end. Soon I will be able to see my baby rock the field.
Ella's POV:

Today was the day. My first game back. And to sum it up I was a panicky agitated mess all day. I knew it, Olivia knew it, Thomas knew it, my mom knew it, Wes knew it, and Declan definitely knew it.

I already had two anxiety attacks today. Luckily Declan was there for the both of them, holding me and murmuring sweet things to me. He was there. He was always there when I needed him, and for some reason I just knew that he would always be. He was my rock, my king, my knight, my forever.

I was so scared. I was scared I wouldn't be as good as I was before, I was scared that I wouldn't be what Declan expected, and most of all I was scared of walking back onto that field and reliving the day that changed my life.

I know it sounds ridiculous. But if you aren't an athlete you don't understand. You don't understand what it's like to have people calling your name. You don't understand the rush of scoring. You just don't understand.

The day that I lost my dad was the day I swore to never play soccer again. I couldn't, I blamed myself for his death. I tortured myself. I was just a girl who loved the game, but while playing it I lost one of the most important people in my life forever.

At night I remember after soccer practice was over, I would drive to the field and sit in the goal crying. I would ask God 'what did I do wrong?' and when I didn't get a answer I would belittle myself.

In all honesty I was afraid to be alone again. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced. I don't know how Declan knew but he did, and he told me exactly what I needed to hear. This boy knew me in ways I didn't even know myself.

"Ella you will always have me. Whatever problems you have are my problems to, whatever bothers you bothers me to, you will never be alone. I am yours until you don't want me." This is what Declan said to me before I went into the locker room, I practically lost it.

I had to sit in the bathroom stall and pull myself together because Declan's words pulled me apart.

Doesn't he know that I will never not want him. Doesn't he know that I don't have the strength to ever physically walk away from him. Doesn't he know that he has my heart in the palms of his hands and it's his choice what he does with it. Every part of me belongs to him, all of my thoughts and all of my heart. Every atom, every nerve, every cell, it's all his.

And doesn't he know, that that's how it's always going to be.

Blowing my nose with toilet paper, I decide it's time to man up and face my fears.
Standing up, I open the stall door and head out to my sports locker. Once I'm there I open it up and take out my duffle bag.

I throw on my uniform shirt and shorts, and after put on my socks scrunching them down to my ankles because I won't put on my shin guards till later. Bending over I brush my hair upwards until it's smooth with no bumps and then wrap my hair tie around it creating a pony tail.

Oh and of course I apply deodorant, nobody likes smelling body oder it's disgusting.

Before leaving the locker room, I put on my running shoes and fill my water bottle with the water fountain.

Most people before games like to hang out with there teams but not me. I like to be alone before a game, so instead I go usually go out to the turf and warm up. This way I can clear my head and be in the right head space, as well as warming up my muscles and feeling prepared.

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