Against Myself

Chapter 1

        Downing another one-third of the Vodka bottle I hold in my hand, I throw another plate at the wall almost breaking though the plaster. The music blasting through the stereo could give my neighbour a heart attact, but at the moment I just don't care. I need some sort of distraction not only from him but myself.

        He has no idea that right now I am crying, screaming, drinking, and throwing plates all because I fell in love with him. He has no idea that I go there nearly every Saturday and wait five hours just to get a glimpse of him. A glimpse of his strong arms, and curly hair, and warm eyes. I realize what I'm doing and throw another plate at the wall letting out a strangled scream.

        It's stupid. I'm stupid. He didn't do anything. It's just girls like me don't get guys like him. Girls like me get left behind because no guy wants to be seen with a plus size girl, unless its at night. The only time you'll see me with a guy is when the moon is high in the sky and his pores are seeping with enough alcohol to make me look like a skinny blonde. Don't get me wrong I love sex. Love the bump and grind and the late night moans, but I want love. And I thought he could be the one to love me  but then I looked in the mirror. I swear I almost kidded myself into thinking I was desirable.

        "Get your shit together. You did this to yourself," I whisper to myself in a drunken state. Putting away the one third of the vodka left, I leave the broken plates for another day and drag myself into the bathroom believing the only thing I need right now is sex.

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        This man is putting all his weight on me and although I can't walk straight I do not care. I refuse to go home without being fucked so hard I cannot think straight. I will not cry over a man who does not know I exist. He does not deserve my tears or my love and neither does this man clinging to my shoulder but he is my distraction for the night and for that reason I shut myself down and prepare for whats to come.

        As soon as we enter his appartment  he goes straight for a kiss but as I turn my head he misses and his lips touch my cheek. Thankfully he does not care and goes straight for my neck clawing at the zipper on my dress. 

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               Once we're done and he is asleep, I put back on my clothes and head for the door but not without leaving a ruby red lipstick mark on his mirror; a signature of mine.

        The tedious walk home is spent with my hands cluthcing my bag terrified of what my own skins feels like. After an orgasm I always feel raw and reeling and although this feeling is familiar I can't help but shiver.

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        Turning the corner to my street I automatically see an ambulance parked outside my townhouse. I start to think maybe the loud music did give my neighbour a heart attack, but the thought vanishes as I see it's much worse than a heart attack.

        I never really knew her but as I see her limp bloody body being wheeled out on a stretcher I wish I did.  She's got black hair and vibrant forest green eyes. A man who I think is her boyfriend is being handcuffed and dragged out to a police car I hadn't noticed before.  Had he done this to her? 

        I see a shadow out of the corner of my eye and notice a man is sitting on the door steps hysterically crying. I want to go over and comfort him but that seems out of bounds. I don't know him and I don't know what hes going through so how could I possibly know how to comfort him. My own problems all of a sudden seem ridiculous. Here I am  crying over some stupid guy while my neighbour is being murdered.

        The man, as if he read my thoughts, stops sobbing and looks over at me with the same vibrant green eyes and the bloody girl in the ambulance. My chest stirs and once again I kid myself into thinking I'm desirable. I'm making this into more than it is as I always do.  But his stare makes my blood go cold. He seems so halcyon all of a sudden it rattles my brain. How could he be crying his eyes out one minute then perfectly fine the next. Rather than over thinknig this, I break his stare and head inside but not without feeling his eyes on me the entire time.