My Love | Matt Daddario

Chapter 16 - "Wished."

Happy sixteenth of December! Hazel and Matthew will happen soon! I hope all of you are ready for it!
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I woke up from the same lights again. I sat up in bed and wiped my eyes. Even wiping my eyes did not make my sleepiness go away.

I smiled when I thought of yesterday. I looked at my right hand where Matthew gave me a kiss on and chuckled softly as I pressed my hands against my mouth.

After he dropped me home, I quickly went upstairs to my apartment and ducked inside my bed because I knew I would literally be fucked in the morning and looking at me now, I completely was. I had no idea how I was going to get through today.

As usual, I quickly got ready, had my shower, combed my hair and for a change left it open. I put some make up on so I looked more alive than usual. I knew I needed it for today anyway because the deprived black bags underneath my eyes was looking way too horrible.

I looked at my phone and I saw a few messages from Matthew.

'I hope you are sleeping.'

'Thank you for today. Sleep well x.'

I smiled and felt myself already blushing. It was literally so stupid because I felt just like an idiot but at the same time it felt so right. The feelings that Matthew made me feel happier. I don't know how many times I have to think about this but he was good to me...

'I am sorry for the late reply and yes I was sleeping. I hope you slept well x.'

I texted him back. I didn't expect him to reply back quickly. I figured out that he was sleeping because it was late when he dropped me off and maybe his house was a bit further away from here.

I took my headphones and put some music on, quickly got out of my apartment and rushed towards the nearest bus station. The university of New York City was just a few stops away from here.

I couldn't wait to finish my course and finally go into what I want to work with. Matthew made me think whether I want to become a writer but then again, I didn't think that I was good enough for people actually to want to buy my books and read it.

I mean why would the pay for me when they can get a good book from Anna Todd or any other massively great writers. I just don't think I have it in me. I don't think I could do it...

I smiled to each person that was coming in front of me. Some people would smile back and some people would just look away, doing completely nothing. I would always think that it was awkward and I would be embarrassed but if I would have a mind like this, the goodness inside of me would fade away.

No matter what happened to my mother, she was always. I had always heard the same things from everyone in Carmel. Maybe it was time to go back... To see the people again. Would they recognise me? Was my father still there?

There hasn't gone a day by that I haven't thought of him and the guilt never fades away. I did not want to leave him on his own but I knew if I stayed there, I wouldn't be here where I am now. I wouldn't be able to go to college and study further. I would be literally stuck with him.

I wouldn't have mind it if my father could show one slightest bit of care. He never showed care for me. He did the complete opposite. He hated me. He hated to see me and it showed. It showed to everyone how my father hated my guts and it was the worst.

Maybe that's why I never really had friends. Why would someone else care for me when my own father decided to treat me like I was no one to him...

I sighed and when I reached the bus stop, I sat down on the chair. I wondered if he had changed or maybe even missed me. Maybe throughout the years, he was realising what he had done and maybe he was searching for me but then again, this was all in my imagination.

My father would never do that for me. Maybe in another life he might have done this for me but I don't think he would in this life. In this life my father and I were each other's enemies and I wish it was different.

I wished he could love me and I could love him back, just like any normal father and daughter. I think that kind of love I was craving for it. I wish my mother never died and I wished that we grew up in a healthy family...

I wished we did...

It would have been better for me and my father. I think the sad damaged story of ours was my mother's death. My father loved her with everything I had and when I was born and she was dead, that love he had for my mother changed into hate for me.

I would say it was fair... but I didn't want this. If I could choose between my life and my mother's. I would have let myself die and let her live...

But as an infant you don't have any idea what is going on. Your maxim understanding would be just food and in need of a nappy change. That's what it was...

I was helpless...

When I saw the bus coming, I sighed. Well here we come college...

Another day there without Rose... Without Matthew.

I don't know how I would be today. I hope I wouldn't fall asleep in the bus... I would literally curse myself but then again it was a typical thing for me to do.

A typical thing.