SCPs but they're explained by an idiot

SCP-025

W a s t e d-

SUBJECTS: D-736, a 22-year-old white male; D-771, a 23-year-old white male
ARTICLE: Burgundy striped sweater vest, dating from 1973
IMPERFECTION(S): Article seemed to have been partially eaten by moths; several large holes in the front of the sweater
TEST RESULTS: D-736 was asked by researching staff to wear the sweater vest, which he did under duress.

 Basically Everyone: Ah sh*t here we go again

D-771 was given a loaded handgun out of sight of the other test participant and instructed to, on a given signal, fire all six (6) shots in the direction of D-736. 

D-771: Oh so you want me to shoot my fellow comrade six times? okay

D-736: Wait what

After doing so, it was noted that every shot fired passed through one of the holes in the sweater vest, leaving the clothing intact and killing D-736. 

Firearm retrieved; surviving subject transported back to quarters.

SUBJECT: D-771, a 23-year-old white male
ARTICLE: Sweater vest from above trial
IMPERFECTION(S): Same as mentioned
TEST RESULTS: D-771 was this time placed in an empty room, dimensions 15 m x 15 m x 15 m; only objects in the enclosure were lights overhead. 

Subject initially complained of boredom, then lay on his back and went to sleep. 

That, that is a mood

I mean, I'm on the verge of falling asleep right now

but I'm not

because this chapter needs to finished so I can do whatever

After 2 hours and 14 minutes, two (2) of the fluorescent light tubes in the ceiling suddenly dislodged and fell. 

The people who fix the lights: Uh, that was totally an accident

Both landed squarely on holes in the sweater, shattering upon impact; one (1) of the tubes broke into jagged pieces that impaled D-771 in several areas, but only again through gaps already present in the sweater vest. Subject's vitals persisted for another six (6) minutes, then ceased.

 Further testing locations will be selected to minimize possible damage to the surrounding area.

So we can't just put them anywhere? Weird.

SUBJECT: Dr. ██████ [Unplanned experiment; an unidentified individual left an article from SCP-025 on Dr. ██████'s desk that looked similar to an item of his own clothing. Any information about this incident and/or the perpetrator of same should be reported immediately to senior staff.]

I just want you to know, that is the ultimate madlad right there

ARTICLE: Lightweight scarf, dyed a number of colors
IMPERFECTION(S): Heavily pulled seam caused scarf to be considerably shorter and tighter in the middle.
TEST RESULTS: According to his itinerary, Dr. ██████, wearing the item from SCP-025, was en route to the enclosure of SCP-███ on ██/██/████ for routine testing. However, he diverged from his intended path and began in a direction towards an entirely separate wing of the facility. 

I love how nobody stopped them, like, oh no, just some random person going in the completely wrong direction, but no, ignore them-

Subject then entered the enclosure of without gathering accompaniment or following safety procedures, and, upon hearing the door closing, blinked. Cause of death listed as strangulation resulting from a crushed windpipe.

This is why I don't trust scarfs or the people wearing them. No, not even Ralsei.

SUBJECT: D-802, a 30-year-old Hispanic female
ARTICLE: 1980s Flashdance-style white shirt

I feel like I should know what that is

IMPERFECTION(S): Right shoulder removed, left sleeve completely cut off, entire bottom hem shredded
TEST RESULTS: [DATA EXPUNGED]. All present were presumed infected, then quarantined and [DATA EXPUNGED].

It's mad-libs time

All further tests involving 1980s-era fashion have been postponed indefinitely due to the expenditures and safety hazards presented by the aforementioned experiment. Full cleanup estimated to take an additional ██ weeks.