Astitva
She is jerked out her sleep and her mouth opens in a silent scream. Breath hitches out in rapid succession and sweat rolls down her face. She raises her trembling hand to wipe her mouth, swallows, hugs herself and looks around.
Will these nightmares ever leave me completely? After all these years, I finally thought that I was over them. One can never shed one’s past completely. That is so true. A part of it stays with us..in us..changing us in a fundamental way. It haunts us and comes to hit us at the least expected moment of our lives.
Her laden feet carry her to the window where she moves the curtain aside to look at the dark night.
How many nights did I do that..look out of the closed window..closed room..the prison that I was kept in..beaten down, broken, raped time and again..
Another shudder racks her body and she starts scrubbing her face, neck and arms as if trying to remove something vile and dirty that’s crawling over her body.
Because that’s what it had felt like. That’s what I had felt like. I had felt dirty. The pain..the horror..the humiliation..God! the humiliation that I, an independent strong woman in one of the most respected professions, would be so weak and helpless in the hands of a man. No. not a man. A monster. Oh how I wish I had just taken a knife..something..and slashed him off to pieces. Oh how I wish I had tied him up the way he did me and meted out everything that he did to it for those 3 months! 3 months! Some times it felt “My God! 3 months!” But sometimes, like recently, after multiple counselling sessions, it felt, “Thank God it had been only for 3 months! Thank God I escaped when I did.” Thank God for the maid and the kindly Indian neighbour who literally dragged me out of that room, stuffed some money and my passport with a ticket in my hands and sent me off to the airport in a cab.
Come to think of it, it’s a wonder I even got through the security check. But thankfully the officer there was a lady and once I explained in a trembling voice what happened, I managed to get through and sit in the plane. A plane that brought me back to my country and my people. A plane that brought me back to Kanpur. Back to my home. Back into the lives of Avinash and Payal.
Everything that happened is still hazy in my mind. Jagan not only had used violence but he also got me addicted to drugs. Initially he had drugged me just to keep me quiet but then later on he enjoyed me begging him for those drugs for the relief that they would provide. He enjoyed my trembling and my withdrawal symptoms. He enjoyed my pain. So a lot of days after I got back to Kanpur were a blur. Later on, I was informed that I was roaming on the streets like some mad woman mumbling to myself..sometimes screaming and running around when the panic attacks occurred. What would have happened if Payal hadn’t found me when she did, I have no idea.
Shudders wrack her body once again in fear and despair.
A girl whom I once considered my arch rival..the person who snatched away my happiness and hope and Avinash from me! The same girl became my solace. Became my one pillar of support. Payal had literally dragged me back to City Hospital kicking and screaming. She had administered a sedative and called the resident psychiatrist. Then she ran to Avinash, who was by then her husband, and informed him. Call it fate, but even Avinash at that point was admitted in City Hospital due to his accident where he had injured his knee. He immediately had come to look in on me but one look at my tattered dress and bruised body, he had backed off.
Payal later on had told me that he had long intense discussions with the Psychiatrist as to how to handle and the line of treatment that should be followed. He was furious and pained at the state his friend was found in and for a long time blamed himself. If only he had stopped me from marrying Jagan..if only he had insisted on finding more about him. According to Payal, it had taken a lot of convincing from her side to make him let go of the blame and think of ways and means to help his friend. But both of them had realized that I would not let him anywhere near me..even to look or talk. So Payal took it on her herself to help me. She was the one who helped me find my feet. She helped me find my self respect. She helped me face the world again with my head held high.
